If you grew up as an avid-movie watcher, you probably soaked up some unrealistic expectations along the way. Perhaps the thing we have the most unrealistic expectations about thanks to Hollywood is sex. Though some movies do a better job than others in accurately depicting what sex is actually like, even the most realistic sex scenes are bound to demonstrate some inconsistencies. Hollywood taught us these 16 lies about sex and, as a woman and a writer, I feel obliged to expose these lies.
Whether it be how much the cost of living in New York City is or the possibility that you will run into your soulmate in a meet cute in a coffee shop, Hollywood likes to warp our expectations of reality. Sex is the cruelest expectation to play with because, by setting our standards too high, Hollywood is also setting people up to be disappointed in their sex lives.
Just in case anyone is out there wondering why they haven't had romantic sex in a cornfield yet or why no one warned them that they might snap their tibia in half like a twig while having shower sex, I am here to give you some real talk about movie sex versus real life sex.
It is my sincerest hope that each of you will have enough great real life sex that you won't ever feel like you're being outdone by movie sex. But, just in case the sex scenes in moves have led you a bit astray, I'm here to set the record straight and expose all the lies Hollywood taught us about sex.
Foreplay? It's Not That Great (Hint: It Is)
This is probably the most egregious crime committed by cinematic sex scenes: refusing to acknowledge how awesome (and necessary) foreplay is. You always see those couples in movies who meet, cast one sultry look at one another, and then, suddenly, there is full-on penetration before you can even say "Pass the lube." It's all about the foreplay, ladies and gents. Unless you want a sexual experience that is reminiscent of the Sahara desert on a particularly dry summer day, I suggest you let your girl warm up first.
Simultaneous Orgasms Happen Every Time
This is a particularly bad Hollywood misconception. I think guys grow up watching movie sex scenes and internalize this idea that a guy can whip it out, go to town, and then later the couple will climax together in sweet harmony as they intertwine fingers. Notice that in this scenario, the guy doesn't work much at all to give his lady a helping hand. He didn't have to; a strong breeze could get this fictional lady off. Sadly, this magical unicorn of a woman does not exist anywhere but in movies and in porn. Simultaneous orgasms are possible, yes, but they require hard work, patience, and a solid amount of luck.
Standup Sex Is Easy
I don't care how strong you are; railing a girl while standing up is fun for about two minutes and then the thigh burn sets in and it starts to be a little less sexy.
Sex in Weird Places Is Hot (And Worth the Discomfort)
Hollywood seems to have a prejudice against beds. Canoodling couples often get hot and heavy in places that wouldn't exactly be conducive to intimate relations, like the piano in Pretty Woman, a subway car in Risky Business, or the ever-comfortable marble staircase in The Thomas Crown Affair.
Losing Your Virginity Will Be Super Romantic and Not Awkward or Painful At All
If anyone has seen Britney Spears lose her virginity in Crossroads, you know what I'm talking about.
Female Orgasms Are Easy To Master
Though there are some women out there who don't take too much to get theirs, most women have vaginas that are not unlike Rubix cubes in their complexity and difficulty level.
Beach Sex Won't Get Sand Lodged In Your Lady Parts
If you have genitalia of the male or female variety and have ever touched sand, it should be obvious why beach sex is a no-go.
Undressing Is Easy
Thank you, Seinfeld, for coming in with the most relevant GIF ever. But seriously, if you've ever been, seen, or slept with a girl in skinny jeans, you know that removing skinnies is one of the most difficult challenges we are ever tasked with as humans And don't even get me started with boy's pants buttons or the difficulties of one-handed bra removal.
Sex In A Public Restroom Is Always A Sexy Decision
I'm sorry, but the probability of someone coming in to poo while you're trying to get it on in the stall next door is just too damn high to ever want to try public bathroom sex.
Women Never Wear Underwear
Don't get me wrong, going commando can be a liberating decision. But I just want one movie scene where they show the girl secretly wiggling out of her Spanx and stuffing them in her purse in the restaurant bathroom because her date's going well and she know she's about to get some.
Condoms? What Are Those?!
Movies tend to skip over the whole "Oh, you're not on birth control? I should probably put on a condom" conversation. Movies also skip over the awkward period of naked lounging that ensues while your partner in sexual congress dons his rubber.
Like Chris Brown, shower sex is one thing we love in theory but hate in practice. I just Googled "how many people die from shower sex annually" and, though my Google search did not yield many results by way of actual data, it did leave some rather interesting sites in my browser history should I happen to die today and have someone go through my search history to see if I was an exciting person or not.
Your 'O' Face Will Be Sexy
If you ever decide to make your own sex tape, be forewarned: the face you make when you orgasm WILL NOT be sexy. In fact, a tip to anyone making their own sex tapes: probably just avoid the face area altogether.
Sex By Candlelight Happens All the Time
In real life, it's usually either awkward, brightly-lit sex performed under the halogen glow of your bedroom lights or pitch black, fumble-in-the-dark-for-the-important-parts sex.
Sex Is Always Slow and Romantic
Yes, sex can be the tantalizing, slow, deliciously romantic stuff of movies. But every now and again, a girl just needs a good trip to poundtown.
Whiskey Dick Won't Happen To You
There is nothing worse. The movies should have prepared us for the letdown that is Whiskey Dick.
Images: Universal Pictures; Giphy (16)