Men Draw Their Ideal Breasts So Now You Know

For millennia, women have had a major problem: We have had absolutely no way of knowing what men consider "perfect breasts.". Ladies, I know you've been very concerned. I mean, if we don't know what men want out of breasts, how do we know whether or not ours are good enough? How do we know how we should feel about them? Oh if only men dominated the history of art! Then maybe we'd at least have some clues! Fortunately, thank God, this video of men drawing perfect boobs has finally given us the answers we've been searching for, and you won't believe some of the shocking results. Get this: Guys like big, perky boobs! AND they like them symmetrical with relatively small, pink areolae! Perhaps most shocking of all, they like to touch them. Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?! How were we ever supposed to know this stuff without this groundbreaking research!? Is the Nobel Prize still taking nominations? Because surely this video is the most important scientific discovery of the last 50 years...

Side-eye. Then eye-roll. Repeat on loop for, like, forty-five minutes. My editor really put this best: "There are about 87,000 things wrong with [all of this], including the part where we asked them and filmed it." Preach, girl.

I mean really, did we need this? We already know what boobs are. We get it. We have role models, from Venus of Willendorf...

...to Venus de Milo...

...to my own personal Venus, Christina Hendricks:

We have never wanted for images of perfect breasts to lust after or aspire to. Not to mention that "perfect breasts" A) vary over time B) vary person to person. In short, it's kind of useless to ponder this question because we at once have our answer and will never have our answer. Then, of course, there's the overall tone of the video. It's not the fact that the dudes in the video have their preferences (though the number of well-worn clichés they use when describing those preferences goes to show how much of our beauty ideals are taught and learned). It's the totally creepy, compulsory way a lot of them talk about breasts. A lot of "can't"s and "have to"s and "gotta be"s.

Of course, the whole thing wasn't a complete loss. It did yield this man's picture of perfect breasts...

Glorious.

Anyway. Check out the full video below to see if you have perfect breasts or if you should just kinda curl up and die because you're not giving those dudes a boner.

Images: Getty Images(4); YouTube