100-Year-Old Woman Shares The Secret To Long Life

It is a well known fact that once you turn 100, anything you do automatically becomes adorable, and this woman giving advice on her 100th birthday is absolutely no exception. When asked what the secret to being 100 is, Pauline Spagnola replied "DRINK A LOT OF BOOZE!" and then laughed hysterically while wearing her little birthday crown. Most people who wear crowns and cackle are evil stepmothers in Disney movies or bad fantasy novels, but Ms. Spagnola pulls it off and comes across as cuter than a baby koala cuddling a kitten. I melt. This woman is my damn soul twin.

100 is a completely ridiculous age to be (I mean that in the best way possible), and we should treasure those of us lucky enough to hit such a milestone. If you think about it, Spagnola is a living testimony of almost the entire 20th century. She would have been in her mid-50s at Woodstock. She was already 30 by the time World War II ended. Hell, she could reasonably remember the end of the first World War! If the people on Downton Abbey were real, centenarians would be older than Lady Sybil's baby. (RIP Lady Sybil.)

In honor of Spagnola and her completely on point advice, I hereby present similarly wise words from delightful older ladies.

Aretha Franklin

Be your own artist, and always be confident in what you're doing. If you're not going to be confident, you might as well not be doing it.

Though nowhere near 100 (she is 73 and hopefully has at least another 27 years left in her), she is indeed a senior citizen and is therefore qualified to give old lady advice. I also feel like if Ms. Franklin tells you to do something, you do it, because she's Aretha Goddamn Franklin. So be confident, dummy!

My grandmother

I'm too old to finish bad books or drink cheap wine.

My grandmother (who has just about 25 years left if she can keep up with Spagnola) once said this to me while languidly sunbathing in her garden wearing a fabulous pair of sunglasses, which I feel adds to the overall truthiness of what she said. But she's right! There are so many amazing books we won't have a chance to read and wines we won't have the chance to drink, no matter how long we live, so why waste any time whatsoever on the ones that don't make the cut?

Helen Mirren

You can't control how other people see you or think of you. But you have to be comfortable with that.

#Yas #Kween. This woman is 50 shades of fabulous (and 31 years away from 100). I feel like every girl should have these words tattooed on her hand starting when she turns, like, 11, and can only be removed once she internalizes it. In severe cases, maybe Dame Mirren can come and have a one on one chat with the young one over a soothing but empowering cup of tea.

My Aunt Mary

My husband and I used to fight, but then after we'd fight he'd want to fool around! The man gets angry, but the prick never gets angry!

My Aunt Mary (pictured here) was one of my favorite humans ever. She died in 2011 at 105 years old. ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE. In theory, she could remember the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. But in a century and some change, the old broad never lost her sense of humor and she never stopped delivering the realness — often in the most hilariously crude way possible. You've never known true joy until you've heard a 102-year-old say "pussy." We miss you, Aunt Mary. (By the way, I'm talking to you from the Internet, which you probably have no concept of, but you would love it. There's lots of nudity.)

Grandma Kenney

Better out than in.

This one comes from my husband's amazing grandmother, who unfortunately passed away last October. She talked pretty openly and frequently about farting. For she knew that farts, like love, were not something to be bottled up inside, but shared. She managed to do this in a funny, cute old lady way, though, so it wasn't gross.

My mom

Tiaras go with everything

As you can see, my mother is nowhere near old. She has 49 years to 100, but the woman has the soul of an ancient, crazy, eccentric cat lady. Her goal in life — and I'm not kidding — is to be like Aunt Bethany from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. The tiaras, while genuinely adored and appreciated, are her own symbol for letting yourself shine. So when you're feeling down, go ahead and put on a tiara, and I dare you not to smile a little.

Betty White

I may be a senior, but so what? I'm still hot!
Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

The epitome of awesome old lady who is never, ever, ever allowed to die because I can't live in a world with any Golden Girls in it, Betty White has made a career of being absolutely fabulous. You are still hot, Betty. Never change.

And, of course, I would be remiss if I did not present you Pauline Spagnola in all 100 years of her awesomeness...

Here's to you, Ms. S!

Images: Getty Images(5); Jamie Kenney (2); Giphy(2)