Beliebers, Sit Down Before You Read This

Yes, Justin Bieber's been up to some, uh, shenanigans lately. But you know what he's also been up to? Making another movie! And no, I don't mean that one. I take very little seriously and I am a sucker for all things pop music, so of course, I think everything about Bieber is ridiculous and amazing. So yes, it's safe to assume that I accidentally spilled coffee on myself when I found out Bieber released the trailer for Believe today. I temporarily lost control of my hand, okay? Oh, my shirt isn't ruined. I was able to remove the stain fairly easily. Thanks for asking!

Right. The trailer. It lives up to the coffee spill hype. Sadly, he pees in a bucket a whopping zero times, but he does turn into a bird. I'll take what I can get. The following are the most notable moments of the trailer (please be advised that the time counts backwards on this video):

2:20 It's rated PG. So what happens in the movie that makes it not G rated?! Maybe someone moons another person! Butts are hilarious.

2:15 "When you've reached a certain point in your life, there are people out there waiting to see you fall. But rather than let gravity take you down, sometimes, you have to take matters into your own hands. And fly." AND THEN, AT THE 1:57 MARK, HE TURNS INTO A BIRD AND FLIES.

1:46 That Bieber sure can dance! And wear jean vests!

1:42 He starts a song with a "this one's for you." Who, me? Really?

1:40 Usher, what's on your sweater? Flowers? Hot dogs? Pills? I need to know.

1:38 The Beliebers are so intense. The screaming. THE SCREAMING. I wish I could say I've never gone apeshit over a singer, but JC Chasez of 'N Sync actually pointed at me while singing "This I Promise You" at a concert, and I involuntarily emitted a guttural shriek-sob. I feel you, Beliebers.

1:35 Hi, Ryan Seacrest! Nice to see you. Working hard or hardly working? I'm KIDDING. I would never question The Hardest Working Man in Showbiz.

1:33 "Deuces!"— Biebs.

1:28 Biebs in the studio with that grainy, strobe light effect is EVERYTHING.

1:24 Is Biebs left-handed? I'll keep that in my brainbank. Never know when that tidbit may come in handy (barrrrf) during Trivia Night!

1:20 "Are you aware that you could become the next train wreck?" Funny, I ask myself that in the mirror every morning. It's my own little affirmation!

1:17 Biebs cannot be bothered with train wreck affirmations right now. He's too busy showing off his voluminous hair. HOW DOES HE DO IT?!

1:14 A British paparazzo tells Biebs to "go back to America." Uh, do your research paparazzo. Biebs is CANADIAN. Duh-doye.

1:11 Biebs and his beanie are ready to FIGHT. I like that his beanie has the he was born embroidered on it. You know, In case you forget that he is both successful AND young. He really does have it all!

1:03 "You always gotta keep a smile on your face. It's all about positivity." Sounds exhausting, but maybe I'll give it a whirl.

1:02 BIEBER, CAN I HAVE THAT WEIRD HOODIE?! I'll let you borrow anything of mine. I have a really fun silk blouse that'll make you look like a kooky pirate. Mull over the idea. Get back to me.

1:00 Straighten your legs on that cartwheel, BIEBER.

0:57 Is there going to be a lot of shirtless Bieber in this movie? I know he's an adult now, but I still feel weird about it.

0:42 "This 'stache used to make me feel a little bit older. It's all delusional." Thank you, Bieber, for my new favorite catch-all phrase: "It's all delusional."

0:27 Bieber winking directly into the camera is not what I signed up for. I can't do this. I really, really can't.

0:25 Holy crap. Child Bieber playing piano with that shaggy haircut looks exactly like my brother. That's all.

0:25 "Believe in yourself. Believe that you can do anything if you set your mind to it." Thanks, JBiebs. Phasers set to "inspire"!

0:17 "I waddle because my pants are low. Don't let the pants wear you, wear the pants." Philosopher Bieber knows all.

0:09 "I'm still your mom, and I still want you to pull your pants up." Look at Bieber's mom just being a mom. Will Bieber ever honor his mother's wish and pull up his pants? The trailer doesn't say! What a cliffhanger.

The movie will be in theaters on Dec. 25. HA! It's such a dick/awesome move to release this particular movie on Christmas Day. You know so many Beliebers will be like, "thanks for the prezzies, family members, but I've got to bounce. Screw holiday togetherness time, I'm going to THE MOOOOOOVIEEES." Hey, no judgment here. If Spice World came out on Christmas Day, I would've been a royal nightmare about it. Keep on beliebing, Beliebers.