9 Ways To Convince People You're A Proper Adult When All You Want To Do Is Eat Dessert For Breakfast
Take it from someone who has lived it: Most of convincing people that you're an adult is trickery. Sleight of hand. Misdirection. Because let's face it, you might be 30 but you still cup your hand over your butthole while you're in the shower, let it fill with water, fart into it, and laugh. Not me, I don't do that. I'm just saying. Maybe you do. Because I most certainly don't. Nope, just made it up on the spot just now. What? The point is, while you're at home arguing with your S.O. about whether or not it's harder to poop in space than on earth, eating ice cream straight out of the punnet and spending hours trying to learn choreographed dances from YouTube even though you dance like Taylor Swift at a rap concert, you CAN convince people that you're a proper adult.
The country trusts you to vote, drink, drive and do all sorts of other important things that put not only your own life, but the lives of others, in your very hands. You are "of age," but inside your brain you're just pumped your mum's not in charge of whether or not you can eat cold pizza for breakfast and cereal for dinner. So while your inner child is still very much alive, here are some things you can do to trick people into believing you actually deserve all the responsibilities society has vested on you by virtue of your number age.
1. Keep nice alcohol in your house
Somewhat ironically, nothing says "I've got this" like a nice array of liquors and wines.
2. When you have guests over for dinner, you pay for the food and wine
Remember when you had a dinner party when you were 19 and everyone had to bring some food or chip cash in for it? Yeah, don't do that any more. When adults invite people over, they invite them to eat their sh*t. Sure, guests should bring a bottle of wine or flowers, but they don't pay for their dinner.
3. Like oysters
Adults like oysters. Fact. So what if you're eating them at $1 happy hour? They're still oysters.
4. Have "a drink"
You think Don Draper walked around umm-ing and ahh-ing over what to order and asking to see the menu? No, Don Draper sat down and ordered an old fashioned because he was an adult. Or at least a child in adult's clothing.
5. Keep lists
Nothing screams "I'm grown up" more than lists. And not just because it shows foresight and organization. Also because it suggests you have so many responsibilities they warrant being on lists.
6. Grow something
Showing that you can take care of something other than yourself is very adult. If you can grow something that yields something edible like herbs, and you know what to use those herbs for, you get bonus adult points. If you can grow a fruit, like tomatoes, you're basically 100.
7. Have a savings account
Even if there's only a few hundred dollars in there, grown-ups save. Meanwhile, if you're really good at saving, you could even invest in something. That's taking your adult game to the next level.
8. Get a lemon squeezer
Any old kid can squeeze a lemon with their hand. Real adults have trendy looking lemon-squeezing apparatuses.
9. Keep tissues in your bag
Think about when you have a runny nose, and your friend procures you a clean tissue from within their bag. Now think about how you perceive that friend. Grown-up. Because grown-ups are ready.
Photos: Comedy Central; Giphy(6)