Every Insane Comment Donald Trump Made While Announcing He'd Like To Be The Leader Of The Free World

If you took big business gravitas, a whole lot of money, a dash of military pride, and about half a handle of very fine bourbon, shook them vigorously in a cocktail shaker, then threw said shaker into a deep, dark ravine, that's the closest approximation I can give you to Donald Trump's 2016 presidential announcement on Tuesday. It was a terrifying and wonderful mélange of buzzwords and not-so-humble bragging that inarguably made for the most interesting presidential announcement thus far. Interesting and terrifying and wonderful.

"Sadly, the American dream is DEAD," Trump spit at the audience toward the end of the speech. It was those kind of platitudes that Trump relied on to whip the audience into a frothing, red-white-and-blue frenzy, but he couldn't manage to back-up with any semblance of an actual plan. The speech, made at his eponymous tower late Tuesday morning, was your introduction to Donald Trump's Great Construction Site. And what plans does he have for America's upgrade?

Well, in broad strokes (I assure you that's all he offered), he's going to nix the "Big Lie" Obamacare, build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico, get tough on ISIS, fix the military, take Iran's nukes away, stop Obama's executive order on immigration, support the Second Amendment and reform trade deals.

And what, exactly, qualifies him to tackle that ambitious list? His money. Trump posited that his ability and drive to make himself rich made him imminently qualified to transfer that mindset to the rest of America. Kind of like a dream board or something, I guess.

And just to let you know how serious he is, he revealed his net worth — which took his accountants months to put together — even before the FEC would make him do it anyway. The buildup to the big reveal of how much Trump is worth was even bigger than that, you know, presidential announcement or whatever. So, just in case you were wondering and because Trump really wants you to know, the official number per the man himself is $8,737,540,000.

Ethan Miller/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Anyway, please, please, please go watch the speech in its entirety. You will thank me later. But here are a few of the highlights from Trump's big plan to "Make America Great Again." Most of these are out of context, but then again, that's exactly how he presented them.

  • When he invited Obama to leave office early and play on one of his golf courses (there's one right by the White House)
  • The dude that kept shouting, "We need Trump NOOOOOOOOOOW!"
  • When he said he would bill Mexico for the wall that he's going to make them build (but will be done inexpensively)
  • When he said he would call the head of Ford (who he knows!!!!!) and get them to stop building plants across said wall
  • When he said politicians were losers for not being as rich as he was
  • When he bragged that he could build a website for $3 as compared to Obamacare's $5 billion site (which was actually around $2.1 billion, but OK)
  • When he rolled out his alternative to Obamacare, which is similar but "much better" and "much less expensive"
  • When he reminded you over and over that he really loves soldiers
  • When he said that the U.S. "brand" sucked
  • When he shut the sound guy down by pointing to him and telling him to bring the music down because HE WASN'T DONE TALKING, OK?!
  • When he kept referencing the sky people who were apparently above them but the camera never cut to
  • When he reminded us, over and over, that he's "really rich"
  • When he made fun of John Kerry for breaking his leg on a bike
  • When he called LaGuardia Airport a third world country

Need more? I thought so. You can watch the whole thing below.

Images: Screenshot/NBC News, Getty Images (1)