Recently a thread on Reddit was getting some major traffic — the subject? Groupies and friends of groupies dished on their experiences with musicians from the likes of Darius Rucker to DMX to John Mayer (Raise of hands who is shocked by that one. Anyone?). There were some surprising, a-hem, personal details shared about rock stars and rappers, as well as a few eye-brow-raising factoids, including the question as to why we're still calling people "groupies." Amidst the penis-gossip and lusty details, there were a few tried and true lessons about sex, dating, and love.
Before we get to the list, let's remember this important message from one Penny Lane in Almost Famous, "We are not Groupies. Groupies sleep with rockstars because they want to be near someone famous. We are here because of the music, we inspire the music. We are Band Aids." So whether it's a message from a Groupie, a Band Aid, or a Person Who Happened to Have Sex With a Musician, here's what we've learned from the thread (other than the fact most of these guys sound pretty awful regardless of prowess).
That Whole Southern Gentleman Thing Can Be True
Well, someone must have raised this Southern boy right. According to Reddit User Maxpower1234, Darius Rucker aka Hootie was the whole package (pun!), "She said he was a fantastic lay, a perfect gentleman, and even sang to her in the morning as he made her breakfast. On the way out he thanked her for being a good host and said she had a lovely house." Good sex, good breakfast, good manners. Amen.
Don't Judge a Book By Its Cover, Or Terrible Music
It looks like Nickelcrap's front man has a reason to be throwing his arms up in the air, "I know a girl who used to hook up with Chad Kroeger from Nickelback all the time. Said he is hung like a horse which kinda pisses me off." You and pretty much everyone else, ThrowAwayAllDamnDay.
Be Realistic About Your Expectations
This is perhaps the most disappointing fact of the whole thread. One young lady described her experience with One Direction's dreamiest dreamboat, and though it was exciting and satisfying, she left us with THIS TOTAL MINDFUCK, "[His penis] wasn’t covered in glitter and it didn’t smell like sunflowers." NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE IN THIS WORLD.
Always Trust Your Instincts
If you're doing the whole online dating thing and a person messages you with a username like "HotStud69" or "ViolenceIsBeauty" or "The Bloodhound Gang," you should definitely trust your instincts on the whole yeaaaaah NO THANKS, thing. Accordingly as Gekokujo writes, "My ex wife and her friend hooked up with members of the Bloodhound Gang after a show in Denver. She still has an autographed cap from the day... but seriously... The Bloodhound gang?" But seriously... AN AUTOGRAPHED CAP?
Takes One to Know One
That guy with the acoustic guitar at the party is pretty much always a douche-copter. Case in point: John Mayer. One Reddit user recalled a story in which the following occurred, "John leaning into this girl’s ear and whispering, 'Let me see your fucking butthole.' Word for word, this is (apparently) what was said." A fucking butthole? TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.
Communication is Vital
Let's disregard what was said about the actual sex and focus on this important bit of knowledge about DMX, "We got his number from her cellphone but his answering machine message was just him barking for 30 seconds." Something tells us a guy like that won't return any calls. Also, props to the user who posted this who might have the BEST username ever, BobDolesPotato.
You Are Worth So Much More
This whole comment about Lil B was sad on top of sad on top of sad. "This chick at my school hooked up with [Lil B] when he preformed at our 4/20 spring jam festival thing and when she woke up in his hotel room he was gone, there was like 23 dollars and a little bag of really shitty weed by the bed." In a better world, Lil B would be looked down on for his clearly shitty behavior (and weed), but alas the Reddit user simply added, "Hilarious." No, not hilarious, it's degrading and awful.
You Can't Fix People or 'Please Leave Your Baggage at the Door'
Coming from Stephen Jenkins, you know the guy who penned lines like, "She lives for me, says she lives for me/Ovation, her own motivation/She comes round and she goes down on me/ And I make her smile, like a drug for you/ Do ever what you wanna do, coming over you." Yeah THAT guy apparently has some massively jerky backstage behavior, "He told [my friend] to come backstage after the show and picked twp other random girls too. After getting a closer look at them, he picked her and took her back to his trailer. I heard it was sweaty and he was REALLY fucked up... It always just kinda made me squirm how he narrowed down the girls, looked em over, and picked his favorite like he was shopping for a sweater at the GAP."
There's a whooooooole lotta issues going on there. Too much for anyone to "fix." Nope, no thanks, bye Stephen Jenkins. LATER.