"You know what I woke up wishing for this morning? A vagina beauty pageant, hosted by a man," said no woman ever. But it's happening anyway, because as the old saying goes, if a straight, white man dreams it, it's mandated by the Gods and therefore apt to become a reality. That man happens to be Brian Sloan, and he's holding a vagina beauty pageant in order to determine what the "perfect" vagina looks like so he can have it molded into a sex toy for male pleasure. Because you know, that's what women's bodies are primarily for: Male pleasure. Girls, you better get to cracking if you want to win the ultimate vagina competition.
Sloan makes his elevator pitch in what looks like one of the creepiest looking apartments ever. Sparsely decorated, the living room appears only to house a couch, and one table that has the world's most giant dildo on it, an internal organs bust and something that looks like a rubber butt, I think. I mean, get some books or something dude. Also, as a side note, I'd like to put it out there that I think Sloan looks like Tony Hale's a-little-bit-cracked-in-the-brain, estranged brother. Apologies to Tony Hale, but white guys, am I right?
When Sloan says, "I'm going to tell you exactly why I'm doing this," I wanted to hush him right there. Because you want to see vaginas. That's why you're doing this. Unfortunately, he goes on to mainsplain the importance of pretty vaginas to us. Sloan apparently makes a blow job machine because he "cares about people," so I'm just going to go ahead and venture to guess that Sloan doesn't get a lot of blow jobs himself. I mean, I can't imagine, "Hey girl, let me judge you on how nice I think your vagina looks," or, "I manufacture a mechanical fellatio machine called the Autoblow 2," is really going to drive girls wild when he approaches them with a pick-up line.
Speaking of the Autoblow 2, that thing is fucking terrifying. Do guys really stick their dicks in that?
The vagina beauty pageant is being hosted in order to create some "super realistic vagina sleeves" for the Autoblow, which will then be called "RoboTwat" or "The TwatBot," just in case this entire thing wasn't offensive enough already. But wait, there's MORE! In order to demonstrate what a real vagina looks like, Sloan uses PIECES OF MEAT. Yes, meat flaps. Really dredging up new depths of misogyny there, Brian. You think that's bad? The winning vagina will be 3D scanned to make the sleeve, and Sloan orders it to be HAIR FREE. Yes ladies, the only way to have a desirable vagina is to shave it to look like that of a pre-pubescent girl! Meanwhile, Sloan calls on Web Cam models, Porn Stars and "regular women" to submit their "pussies", and I can't even begin to unpack exactly how sexist it is to categorize women this way. Like somehow your vocation gives you some kind of different type of vagina.
I understand sex toys. I have one that's phallic shaped. I have no problem with sex toys. But there's a way to conduct oneself in the realm of sex toys that isn't entirely sexist or objectifying. For instance, the way I approach my vibrator is that it's a useful tool to increase my solo-pleasure when I don't have a corporeal partner. I don't reduce all flesh penises into mere molds for a thing to bring me pleasure, and nothing more. The problematic thing about Sloan's beauty pageant is that it does just that. It's not just in order to make a sex toy to assist men in masturbation, it's imposing male standards of beauty on all vaginas, thereby suggesting there's a set of standard that vaginas should meet in order to be desirable to men. That's pure objectification.
The thing is, there is no perfect vagina. There is no perfect penis either. Sloan referring to different vaginas as "styles" of vagina is wrong. Vaginas aren't a "style". Vagina's are a biological and necessary part of a woman's body and they're far more performative than Sloan believes them to be. Rating vaginas on a scale from one to ten is deeply reductive and hurtful, and we need to be doing more for gender equality than encouraging men to vote on the aesthetics of women's vaginas.
Images: treborinato/Flickr; Vimeo (3)