5 Awful Slang Terms for Cunnilingus

We need to talk. Do you have any idea what people are saying about your vagina? The beautiful, blessed act of cunnilingus is being completely sullied by (what has to be) the adolescent boys who come up with slang terms for going down to Vaginatown.

In an article at Random House Canada’s Hazlitt blog, columnist David Berry calls for an end to the term “eating pussy” in light of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's epically gross assertion that he hadn't offered to go down on a female staffer because he had “plenty” of pussy to eat at home.

I think we can all agree that once Rob Ford says something in a press conference, it should be permanently disregarded. “Eating pussy” is no exception. What’s worse is that so much of the other slang that describes cunnilingus is even more foul-sounding. These phrases just do not accurately describe the mechanics or the awesomeness of oral sex. They also make me feel like a pearl-clutching prude. Nevertheless, I persevered to bring you these 5 horrible slang terms for cunnilingus, straight from Google and my Twitter followers.

After, please join me on Twitter for a seminar on brain sanitization. You’ll need to bring your own bleach.

1) Drinking from the furry cup

I...just...no. Not at all. Under any circumstances. I don’t know what dudes think they’re going to drink out of there, but I don’t like it. If any dude every says this to (or in a 15 mile radius of) you, run away screaming. Employ pepper spray as needed.

2) Egg McMuff

This fabulous contribution from Twitter brings a delightful combination of being completely senseless and kind of gross at the same time. Who eats an Egg McMuffin and thinks “WOW! This looks just like my girlfriend’s snatch!”

3) Yikes. What the fuck is this?

I hardly know where to begin. Dudes, if your lady’s vagina smells like a fish it’s probably because you said some stupid shit like this and she’s trying to get you to stay as far away from it as possible.

4) Eating hair pie

Boys. BOYS. This is foul. It’s no wonder some dudes don’t want to return the oral sex favor – they’ve managed to make it sound like something completely disgusting. Maybe we should take a little comfort in this one, though, as it obviously harkens back to a time when dudes weren’t begging for Brazilian waxes.

5) The classier side of cunnilingus

These terms, while still utterly ridiculous and nonsensical, make cunnilingus sound like something that you do on the terrace of a 5th Avenue apartment. At this point, I’ll take anything that doesn’t sound like it was coined at a truck stop.

In conclusion,