By now, we've all heard the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing after 10 years of marriage, 10 years of making us all believe in love again, 10 years of happiness and snark and loyalty and love. I'm not crying; you're crying. The fact of the matter is that those of us who aren't hoping that Affleck reunites with Jennifer Lopez, or that Affleck marries Matt Damon, are trying in vain to scoop buckets full of our own tears out of the room. I would be in the latter category, because I honestly thought Bennifer would make it like Jay Z and Beyoncé or Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. (I hope by mentioning those couples, I don't jinx them...) It's only to be expected that this split might put you in a cynical mood, and thus you might find yourself relating to one of the depressing thoughts about love in a post-Bennifer world below.
This is the problem with getting attached to a celebrity couple. Once you decide that they are your relationship goals, once you become invested in their love, they split up and tear your heart into greater pieces than your last break-up. I can't explain the phenomenon to those who don't get the big deal. It just is, like grass being green or Zayn Malik being attractive. It's got to get worse before it gets better, so cycle through some of the sad love thoughts below on your journey to healing and maybe someday, maybe, we'll be able to move on from this devastating blow.
1. "Love is dead."
This has been the top thought running through my mind since Affleck and Garner released their statement on Tuesday, and I know I'm not alone in this one. Another great couple has fallen. Love is dead. DON'T LOOK AT ME.
2. "Love is dead in Hollywood."
However, eventually, we might need to amend that thought to the grim acknowledgement that love is dead in Hollywood. I don't know what it is about being a celebrity, but they seem to have higher divorce rates than the entire country. Tragic, then, that so many people look to them for relationship goals.
3. "I'm reliving my parents' divorce right now."
To many people, after 10 years, watching Garner and Affleck split up is akin to watching their parents split up; they've been together for an entire decade of our lives, you guys. Heck, for some people, Bennifer's divorce even hurts worse than the pain of their parents' divorce. It's that bad.
4. "I'm reliving my own divorce right now."
I mean, if my husband looked like Ben Affleck, and wasn't fictional, I'd probably be trying to rekindle some flames right about now. But those of us who identified heavily with Garner might be getting some unpleasant flashbacks right now.
5. "If Bennifer can't make it work, what hope do we have?"
6. "But they were so good together."
Oh, sure, there were rumors flying that this divorce was coming for months. But Garner and Affleck always seemed so happy together. How many other celebrity couples out there only seem happy and are really planning to go their separate ways? Talk about paranoia fuel.
7. "Does anyone ever stay in love anymore?"
Obviously not. OBVIOUSLY NOT.
8. "What's love got to do with it?"
All right, so this one might cheer you up a little bit, especially if you sing the song while you think it. But it's also a serious question. What's love got to do with it? See item no. 1: love is dead. Saying goodbye to Affleck and Garner's relationship isn't easy on any of the fans, but, at the end of the day, I for one want them to be happy, even if it isn't with each other. If I have a cynical view on love after this, well, that's just to be expected.
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