If you haven't had the joy of being a bridesmaid yet, chances are, pop culture has already assured you that it's completely awful. With tons of movies produced about how stressful and chaotic being a bridesmaid or, gasp, maid of honor can be, Hollywood has hammered the idea into many people's heads that being apart of a bridal party looks like it blows — and that's why I'm a little convinced that Katherine Heigl's character in 27 Dresses, who is a willing bridesmaid 27 times over, is sort of insane.
Yeah, the movie basically the entire plot falls apart from that crazy idea alone.
I'll rehash the plot quickly here before we get started breaking down those ridiculous moments: Romantic, compliant, and criminally insane Jane has been the perfect bridesmaid again and again, but will her sister's engagement to the guy she's secretly in love with set her off the edge? And what will happen with the dashingly handsome writer who seems to be pursuing her despite their constant heated bickering? Will she find love, or her voice, or... something against the picturesque background of Manhattan?
You don't have to be a genius to know the answer to that. Still, enjoy this chronological catalog about all the wackiness in 27 Dresses.
1. Early in her childhood, Jane tries to help a bride fix a glaring rip in her wedding dress.
Unfortunately there IS no fixing her wedding dress, because it's 1986 and the gown is by default atrocious.
What even happened, was she sword-fighting and the sword artistically poked holes around her bottom...?
2. Look who shows up to play the Sassy Co-Worker/Best Friend, right on schedule!
But seriously, this is like the third incidental Judy Greer appearance I've seen in 24 hours.
3. "Aren't these dresses great? And the best thing is you can shorten it and wear it again."
This is an oft-repeated line, but look: I may have failed garment structures, but this really doesn't seem like a plausible thing. How and why would you shorten a sari? The entire construction relies on it being carefully draped!
4. "The only reason to wear this monstrous dress is so some drunken groomsman can rip it to shreds with his teeth."
It's lines like this that make me wish just once that the Sassy Co-worker Best Friend would be the main character. OH, MY SWEET GREER, PLEASE STAR IN YOUR OWN MOVIE.
5. When they do the YMCA dance to Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."
6. When, after bouncing between two weddings, Jane gets a shout-out from both of the brides and makes the SMUGGEST FACE.
She's supposed to appear self-sacrificing, but after that expression, I believe she does this for some sick personal gratification.
7. "They're both good friends... and their weddings happened to be on the same night, so what was I supposed to do?"
Girl, I cancel on plans with my friends for reasons as small as "I don't feel like putting on pants today." You could've bailed.
8. Then, Jane reveals she has entire ENTIRE CLOSET OF BRIDESMAID DRESSES, and potential serial-killer leanings of a Ed-Gein-meets-Carrie-Bradshaw variety.
The traditional move is to burn the dress once it's off your body, girl. Come on.
9. Like, this alone has overtones of Misery, right?
I mean, that's her FAVORITE writer...
10. This goth engagement party.
11. When Jane's sister, wearing what I think is a Sexy Tweety Bird Halloween Costume, reveals she had sex with Jane's crush and Jane somehow doesn't lose it.
Like, given her unique brand ridiculous, this should've ended with a murder-suicide, no question.
12. This goth wedding.
Again, going on my Pinterest board.
13. When Jane's sister announces she's not only marrying Jane's crush in three weeks, but, in an especially sociopathic turn, has Jane plan what would've been Jane's dream wedding.
And Jane's all, "Don't you think that's a little fast?"
14. Seriously, movie?
15. When these crazy kids start drunkenly singing to "Bennie and the Jets."
This part is legitimately good, because that's honestly why bars were invented.
16. The idea that a seemingly reputable newspaper would smack you in the face with a humiliating story about how you're un-marry-able.
I feel like that's bad etiquette.
17. "He called me "Bridezilla" in the New York freaking journal!" Tess says of the article that ruined her sister's life.
Yes. Let's focus on you.
18. "Before you say anything, can you just not say anything?"
Yeah, I know Greer, Jane's an idiot and she doesn't even make sense.
19. When Jane puts together a slideshow that shows Tess is really the more serial killer-y of the two sisters.
I've had it wrong all along!
20. "I think there's a very good chance that I'm falling in love with you." Jane says to the guy she's known for a month.
And I love this part, because the movie shows that he feels the same, but his face screams, "Whoa, lady, pump the breaks."
21. When the two Sassy Co-Worker Best Friends find love together.
As is tradition.
22. And this.
So I take it Jane's theme for the wedding was, "refined elegance?"
Image: 20th Century Fox (27)