David Letterman left his longtime late night talk show throne back in May, but he just had to come out of retirement this weekend to comment on Donald Trump's presidential bid. On Friday, July 10, the former Late Show host appeared on stage at Martin Short and Steve Martin's A Very Stupid Conversation comedy tour stop in San Antonio, Texas. Letterman skewered Trump in a Top 10 list filled with so many great jokes that I've rounded up the best jokes from it. Of course, the comedian couldn't help but take lots of shots at the businessman-turned-politician's trademark hair piece.
Letterman started off the appearance saying that his retirement had been going great — he's spending a lot of time at home ("I am so happy to be out of the house," he told the audience), making friends, relaxing and growing a beard. But then came news of Trump entering the 2016 Presidential Election race, which caused Letterman to call retiring "the biggest mistake of my life, ladies and gentleman." And then, in familiar fashion, he reached into his suit pocked and pulled out one of his good ol' Top 10 lists, ready to roast Trump and the waves he's been making recently when it comes to Mexico, illegal immigration and crime.
"I love the Mexican people, but the problem we have is that their leaders are much sharper, smarter and more cunning than our leaders, and they’re killing us at the border," Trump recently told a crowd in Phoenix, according to Politico. "They’re taking our jobs. They’re taking our manufacturing jobs. They’re taking our money. They’re killing us."
And here are the best jabs Letterman used in response to Trump's presidential run.
1. Martin Short Imitated Paul Shaffer To Really Make It Feel Like A Top 10 List
The comedian did a perfect impression of Letterman's longtime band leader. "So this is a Top 10 List?" he said, with Letterman responding, "Yes, Paul." Short followed this up with another joke, "Right now, Paul is doing what he was always meant to do: He's a maitre d' in a spaceship."
2. "No. 10: Send Him To Texas"
This drove the San Antonio crowd wild.
3. "No. 10: That Thing On His Head Was The Gopher In Caddy Shack"
The real No. 10 in the list makes me want to re-watch the classic comedy ASAP and see if this is an insult to Trump or an insult to gophers.
4. "No. 9: During Sex, Donald Trump Calls Out His Own Name"
Ooh, BURN! I mean, he does seem like the type to be really into himself.
5. "No. 8: Donald Trump Looks Like The Guy On The Lifeboat With The Women & Children"
Because he's only out to save himself, get it?
6. "No. 7: He Wants To Build A Wall? How About Building A Wall Around That Thing On His Head?"
Finally, Letterman lightly touches on Trump's controversial immigration remarks and he does so with flair and class.
7. "No. 6: Trump Walked About From A Moderately Successful Television Show For Some Delusional...Oh No, Wait, That's Me."
Oh, Dave. If only you knew how much we missed you.
8. "I'm From Indiana & I Don't Think The Pacers Are Still In The League. I'm From New York & I Don't Think The Knicks Are Still In The League"
Letterman first commented that he "saw the line outside and I hoped this was a Spurs game," talking about the comedy show's crowd, then he moved onto skewering two NBA teams who aren't doing too well at the moment. There's always next season, right?
9. "No. 3: That's Not A Hairdo, That's A Wind Advisory"
There was a tie for the No. 3 spot on Letterman's list and this is the clear winner.
10. "No. 2: Donald Trump has pissed off so many Mexicans, he's starring in a movie called 'No Amigos.'"
This references Short and Martin's movie Three Amigos, as well as Trump's ongoing statements about Mexican immigrants.
11. "No. 1: Thanks to Donald Trump, the Republican mascot is also an ass."
And like always, Letterman saved the best dig for last.
Check out the hilarious video below.
Image: Giphy (10)