Tomorrow, the best and brightest names in baseball will descend on Cincinnati, Ohio for the 2015 MLB All-Star Game. The All-Star break marks the halfway point of baseball season, which means there are just shy of 100 more games left for each team to play, and as any fan knows, drinks at the baseball park are notoriously expensive and even less varied. Here are a few fail-proof methods for sneaking your favorite fancy cocktails into a baseball game without alerting the security staff, strapping any weird gadgets to your body, or using syringes (apparently, this is a thing).
Hint: despite the obvious sexist origins, the fact that you're a woman is going to help tremendously... sugar and spice, and all that.
According to my research on the various outside-food-and-beverage policies for the 30 MLB teams, there are a few things that appear to be acceptable league-wide, including cardboard juice boxes, factory-sealed water bottles, and any food product (not deemed a projectile) stored in a clear bag or a plastic container. Ok, no problem. There are also no policies against Solo cups, though you could obviously ask any concession person for an empty cup without attracting any undue suspicion.
How do strawberry basil margaritas sound? Here is the best way to pull off this stunt with ease.
First, you'll need a vessel for your tequila.
Let me introduce you to the booze tube. This pack of five tampon-disguised mini-flasks can be yours for only $14 from Urban Outfitters. Confidently march up to the security staff and walk straight through with a purse full of your favorite liquor (five shots, specifically). Consider also that you're even less likely to get asked any questions if you choose a line with a man doing the purse checks. Nobody is going to mess with your tampons.
If your baseball park allows multi-packs of water bottles and you don't feel like shelling out for tampon tubes, you can also empty one bottle without removing it from the plastic wrap and fill it back up with your favorite clear liquor. Color becomes your main limitation. No one will ever be the wiser. I mean, it is wrapped in plastic after all. Check your stadium's policy page before trying this, as a lot of teams only allow one small bottle of water per patron, and we wouldn't want to break any rules.
Next, you'll need your juice boxes, which are available in half a million flavors at every grocery store in the United States. For the purposes of the strawberry basil margarita, track down lemonade or limeade juice boxes. You'll need one box per Solo cup cocktail.
The only other things you need are strawberries, basil, and cups. The rest of your mission involves packing a picnic that a person could reasonably eat that includes pre-sliced strawberries and a few basil leaves in a plastic bag. If anybody asks (no one will ask), tell them it's a new, trendy salad. I like to put on a good show and pack my items in an unsuspecting, recycled-fabric market bag.
Ever heard of a bootlegger carrying an eco-friendly chevron tote? I didn't think so.
To keep things on-theme and save a little dough on snacks, pack burritos for two, some chips, salsa, guacamole, and the rest of your cocktail fixin's.
Once you're in the stadium, watch out for event staff when you're assembling your cocktails. You don't want anyone to confiscate your feminine products.
By the seventh-inning stretch, you'll be full, happy, and pretty self-satisfied. And you won't even be shy about the key-change in the second verse of "Take Me Out To The Ball Game." Now, let's talk about the designated hitter rule... enjoy the rest of the season, ladies.