We Rank 'New Girl's Schmidt vs. Coach Showdown & Conclude Who Will Win

Tuesday's episode of New Girl features a Very Special Thanksgiving episode in the great outdoors. The gang's all there — Jess, Nick, Schmidt, Winston, Coach, and CeCe — making it a pretty awkward situation for the whole Schmidt-Coach-CeCe love triangle. So naturally, Schmidt and Coach will be butting heads trying to compete in the wilderness. But who wins the competition of our hearts? It's a pretty close call, so let's tally up the scores:

Fashion & Beauty

Schmidt and Coach are both gorgeous looking men, so really, everyone's a winner there. But Schmidt is the clear winner here — does any other straight man have more hair products or expensive dress shirts? Coach pretty much just wears gym clothes and coasts off his hotness (not that that's a bad thing). But Schmidt's hair alone probably smells like what you wish a Yankee Candle store actually smelled like.

Winner: Schmidt

Sports & Fitness

Look, Schmidt can certainly GTL with the best of the douchebags. But this is what Coach does for a living! And really, if you can convince Nick to work out, even once, you probably know your way around a jump rope. Plus, Coach has a great workout playlist ("Work Bitch"? Classic).

Winner: Coach

Game

This one's a really close call. Schmidt has pretty much no game to speak of, but he definitely had a certain...something that kept CeCe coming back. Then again, he did just try to juggle two girlfriends to disastrous results. Coach, on the other hand, has been kind of a jerk to women in general for the last two episodes — but it turns out that's just because he was vulnerable after his recent breakup. And it definitely looks like he made up for it at the end of his date with CeCe.

Winner: Coach, because this:

Sensitivity

Remember Coach from Season 1 of New Girl?

YouTube

Yeah, uh...we're gonna go with Schmidt on this one. He's like a cuddly teddy bear that's lost a lot of weight since college.

Winner: Schmidt

And...it's still a tie. Is that kind of cheating? No, because I made up the rules and I say it's not, so there. Fortunately, there's a way to solve this problem, and that way is to watch more New Girl. So really, everyone wins. You're welcome.

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