The Top 10 Worst Original Christmas Singles
Gird your loins, because it's that time of year when Christmas songs go to work. If you're lucky, you'll survive your annoying coworker whistling "Silver Bells" for the next few weeks. If you're not, you'll be so sick of Christmas music that you have to hide in the freezer when your grocery store plays "All I Want for Christmas Is You" for the seven millionth time.
In the spirit of awful schmaltz that comes with Christmas music, I have searched far and wide for the 10 worst Christmas original singles around. Don't worry, we aren't rehashing the horrors of "Christmas Shoes," because we've found far worse. You might even need red and green earplugs.
10. "My Wish (This Year)" — Britney Spears
I remember singing along to this begrudgingly as a pre-teen, and now I am openly rebuking it. Britney, you have performed some catchy and fun tunes in your career, but this is not one of them. This is the first in a long list of examples why the '90s should have avoided Christmas singles altogether.
9. "Mistletoe" — Justin Bieber
I can only imagine an angry mob of teenage girls fighting me on this one, but nonetheless, it's terrible. The Biebs has no clear message to this song, and worse, it is the melodic equivalent of an elephant dart to the face. Sorry, but I'm not a belieber in this one.
8. "Santa Baby (Gimme Gimme Gimme)" — Willa Ford
This song is all the proof I need that MTV should have never gotten into the Christmas music business. Ford was a one-album wonder in 2001, so this song has been buried pretty deep, for good reason. Be sure to listen if you want to emulate your bad "party like it's 2001" dance moves.
7. "Santa's Gonna Come in a Pickup Truck" — Alan Jackson
Sadly, the country music world has produced some real stinkers when it comes to the holidays. In this Christmas classic, Alan Jackson tells some chipmunks how Santa gets around in places with no snow. Which I'm sure was the first question every child asks about Santa.
6. "When A Child is Born" — Johnny Mathis
Johnny Mathis is a Christmas staple, without a doubt. But, with a long and successful career of Christmas lounge tunes, you are bound to have a few sour patches. This is one of those, at its sourest.
5. "2000 Miles" — The Pretenders
This song is in danger of being confused with the epic "500 Miles" by the Proclaimers, which is a shame. "2000 Miles" is devoid of any sort of hook, which is instant death for a Christmas song, and is probably why it does not surface often. Take a listen if you have insomnia, because it will put you right to sleep.
4. "This One's For The Children" — New Kids On The Block
While the message of this song is very sweet, it completely misses the mark musically. NKOTB tried to emulate Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas," and they didn't quite balance the seriousness with the schmaltz as well as the '80s rockers. Also, introducing the video with "this is a very serious message" over dated '90s synth might have been a bit much.
3. "All I Want For Christmas is a Real Good Tan" — Kenny Chesney
For exactly eight seconds, I was on board with this song. It begins with a nice choral intro, followed by the most selfish Christmas hook in history, "Don't you think it's a pretty good plan / All I want for Christmas is a real good tan." He then proceeds to suggest that his significant other buy him tickets to a tropical island. Charming.
2. "The Only Gift" — 'NSYNC
As I said, the '90s were not good to Christmas music. Even the talented, hot members of *NSYNC fell prey to the temptation of making a synth-driven Christmas ballad-although, calling it a ballad implies a level of class that this song lacks. Sorry boys, your heartfelt pleas for love came off more like a Kay Jewelers commercial in this one.
1. "Santa's a Fat B****" — Insane Clown Posse
It should come as no surprise that ICP released the worst Christmas song of all time. Luckily this is the only single ever to reach the Billboard 100 in the juggalo's long and musically detrimental career. And, yes, it is devoted to insulting Santa in the most profane way possible. Watch with caution.