The 16 Types Of Drunk You Get At Happy Hour, For All You Weekday Warriors Out There

Happy hour is one slippery beast. It really ought to be a freewheeling, pressure-free chill hang with a no-frills bud and plenty of booze. But that isn't always the reality we experience when whoops, guess who's suddenly smashed at 6 p.m.? You (sometimes). Or guess who got roped into a Czech documentary across town that lasts about two hours? You (again, sometimes). There are a few different outcomes you can end up with, as there are several types of drunk you get at happy hour.

Even the term "happy hour" seems fairly innocent—like "lunch date." It insinuates a casual setting, and you don't really consider any potential consequences outside of it. Consider this: You meet a total fox at a house party and they suggest taking you out to dinner the next week. That sounds pretty scary. (Also, I gotta point out now what a bad plan dinner can be for a first date. You're trapped for two hours at least.) But then what if they were more shruggy and asked about happy hour? Less scary already, right? Happy hour can be pretty deceiving like that — but then again, sometimes it really is whatever and not a big deal. See how this goes? In every which way! OK, great, so let's do this. Let's investigate all the types of drunk you get at happy hour:

Hallmark drunk

Here's a type less common with acquaintance-based happy hours. When hallmark drunk, a person is likely to lament on how thankful you are for other present humans, how proud you are, and other related, positive feels. There are worse kinds of drunk (which we will get into very soon).

Swagger drunk

Like this one. Sometimes this one is accurate—you really do experience bouts of swagger and your gauge can be correct in calling it. Swagger drunk inspires the drinker to walk with extra wiggly hips and probably chat up babes en route to the bathroom. At its best, this can actually result in a non-regrettable date. At its worst, you hair-flipped lipstick across your face.

Cheerleader drunk

Cheerleader drunk is one of the most lovable types of drunk. It involves a lot of bolstering, confidence boosts, positivity. Everyone needs a little cheerleader drunk at times—both as the recipient and as the actual cheerleader.

#realtalk drunk

Kind of the opposite of cheerleader drunk, #realtalk drunk means someone who is so bluntly honest they border on just plain mean. However, since it's a drunk thing, the person dishing will probably have no idea how they're coming off. A less ideal type of drunk, TBN(icely)H.

Defensive drunk

Ready to get offended at literally any minor action that may be interpreted as a slight.

Literate drunk

This means wanting to talk about recent news, old news, new books, old books, spelling errors on the bar menu, etc. I know this kind very well. Miraculously, this also involves (mostly) proper enunciation of $10 words. Not too squalid, eh?

Broadcast drunk

Hard to pry their smart phone from their determined claws. Despite sloppy filter interpretation, this drunk very much needs to document their late afternoon.

Ambitious drunk

Most common when grabbing HH with coworkers or other folks in your professional field. Ambitious drunk means making plans—sometimes huge ones—that unfortunately, still exist after the hangover passes. So be careful if you feel a touch of ambitious drunk creeping in.

Philanthropic drunk

Wanting to buy shots for the bartender or friend you made in the lobby.

DJ drunk

Begging the bartender for the AUX cord. This is pretty hilarious to witness, less fun to live. Should you experience DJ drunk first hand, try your best to just throw on Ginuwine's "Pony" or TLC's "No Scrubs" and being satisfied with that. You'll remain popular without going too zealous.

Productive drunk

This outlasts the bar setting and guides a drinker to strike a few items from their to-do list. Be warned, though, grocery shopping while drunk and probably a bit peckish isn't always the best prep for the week.

Reflective drunk

AKA nostalgic drunk. And spoiler: although you might be methodically dissecting your personal history, wait until sobriety returns before making any moves to ~bond~ on the past with people not currently present.

Social butterfly drunk

MAKING ALL THE FRIENDS. HELLO, BAR. YOU ARE MY NEW AND FOREVER CHEERS.

Delusional rich drunk

AND NOW YOU ALL GET A ROUND ON MEEE.

Hungry drunk

If there's any bites on the menu at said bar, you're golden. I say go for it. I know it means extra calories, but food is essential and if it isn't immediately available, you might slip into—

Second location drunk

Danger danger danger. If you get drunk at happy hour and don't go home to nap or chill before a second location, you're probably in for a sh*t show night. Good luck, in that case.

Images: Pexels; Giphy(16)