25 New Year's Resolutions We're Making For Miley Cyrus, Benedict Cumberbatch, & More
This year, 2013, was a weird year for many famous people. There were fights, plights, battles, and prattles. Some lost their cool, others won the day. There were babies, weddings, divorces, and deaths. Some lost big, others won bigger, and the rest just got plain weird.
But if the turn of one year into another has taught us anything, it's that we're all allowed to start anew when the ole ball in Times Square ushers in 2014. And the same goes for celebrities. (See? They really are just like us!) So we've taken a gander at the most famous of famous folk — those mired and squired by the antics of 2013 — and gotten a glimpse into their resolutions are for the upcoming year. And while these resolutions are totally, completely, 100 percent made up, one thing is certain: They are good ones. For them, for us, for everyone.
Lady Gaga's New Year's resolution is to turn every single bit of written criticism of ARTPOP into a performance art piece incorporating her musical take on the cruelest words slung against her LIFE'S WORK. It's a meditation on the powers of criticism in the world of art and there's a lot of symbolism going on. You probably won't get it, but it just proves how deeply ~artistic~ and ~in the know~ she is.
This resolution's obvious: Stop. Just stop.
Cyrus' resolution is to continue to be as irreverent as possible until she actually turns into the Internet.
Can we force a resolution on Brown? Namely, to go away forever?
Paltrow's one resolution is to live a simple, luscious life with her [Insert A-List Friend Here]. Read about it in next month's GOOP!
Ideally, Bieber's resolution would be to "stop being such an egomaniacal garbage monster" but HAHA we all know that won't happen.
The busy Hunger Games star's resolution is simple: take a nap.
Cumberbatch's one resolution is to have just one day where his Google Alert doesn't go off because someone posted another piece of Sherlock fan fiction on Tumblr.
Lohan has one resolution to remember now and 'til forever: Listen to Oprah.
The Breaking Bad star's resolution? To continue being the world's most admired and beloved retired meth kingpin.
A joke here about transitioning into womanhood is just too obvious, so how about Bruce just resolves to be (and love!) Bruce, alright?
The Keeping Up with the Kardashians matriarch resolution is to slip into a peaceful, quiet obscurity where her days are filled with the laughter and love of her children and grandchildren HAHA JUST KIDDING.
Baldwin has no resolutions because he thinks they are [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [OFFENSIVE THING], you [HOMOPHOBIA]!
O'Connor's resolution is to start a non-open letter-writing campaign for something that actually matters.
Rivera's resolution is to keep the selfies above the belt, and fully clothed.
Teen Mom /MTV Disasterpiece Farrah Abraham doesn't know what the word "resolution" means and she doesn't have time to look it up because she's too busy tweezing and fake-n-baking her baby.
The X Factor judge's resolution is to finally get rid of his deep-v t-shirts... out of fear that his unborn son may try and latch on.
The Entire Cast of 'Big Brother'
DiCaprio's just gunning for that Oscar 24/7/365 in 2014, aren't you, boo?
The artist formerly known as Magic Mike's only resolution is to continue channing all over your tatums.
Maslany, star of BBC America's Orphan Black (the best show you should be watching), resolves to continue being the best actress on television, because she plays six different parts better than most people play one. Also, I hope she resolves to continue her domination of the acting world, because damn.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos' resolution is simple: put a drone on it.
The pop princess resolves to do fewer interviews where she ends up offending half of her audience base. She also resolves to get a free supply of Cheetos for a year.