Stocking Stuffing (Tee Hee): 10 Adorable Sex Toys For Your Holiday Wish List
Christmas is around the corner, and you know what that means: sex toys! (Doesn’t it?) (I’m Jewish.) Namely, we’re talking adorable, itty-bitty sex toys that are all the better for literal and figurative stocking stuffing, my dears. Click through to see some of sultriest, bite-size-iest bits and baubles on the market.
Thigh-highs don’t technically fall under the “sex toy” category. But, you can’t stuff stockings when there are no stockings to stuff! Hence, stockings. (But don’t actually put anything in these but a pair of sexy, sexy legs — they’re way too pretty to risk snagging.)
Cuban Heel Stockings, $16.50, Frederick’s of Hollywood
Tenga Vacuum Cup
Who says shopping for dudes is hard? What man wouldn’t be thrilled to receive a pseudo-fleshlight (look it up) featuring a drop-dead babe with some kind of cephalopod stuck to her nipple? I’m mostly serious. Bonus: proceeds are donated to AIDS charities. Masturbation with a side of philanthropy, anyone?
Tenga X MTTM Vacuum Cup, $10, Married to the Mob
Does this strongly remind anyone else of Kate Moss’s lipstick line for Rimmel London? Though it may not be the most heavy-duty of vibrators, this creation is impressively discreet and perfectly capable of getting the job done. Just make sure not to accidentally confuse it for your fave tube of MAC Ruby Woo.
Lipstick Vibe, $33, The Screaming O
I really, really hope that somewhere on the internet, there is a jingle for Überlube. Just a pump of this elegantly packaged, silicon-based lubricant equals about 10 minutes of foreplay. Thus, 10 minutes of foreplay avec Überlube is approximately 10 million times sexier. That’s how math works, right?
Lelo Hula Beads
Yes, this is a very splurgey riff on Ben Wa balls, but consider it an apology to your vagina for all of those times it’s been unsatisfyingly probed by a well-meaning but unskillful hookup partner. Like most Lelo products, these Hula Beads are preposterously high-tech and glam. Operated by a remote control with a nearly 40-foot range, this bead/vibrator combo can swivel and buzz to eight preset vibration patterns. It is not unlike using a magic wand. Basically, you are the Hermione Granger of orgasms.
Kiki de Montparnasse Restraint Tape
A horrible motif in bad erotica is tying someone up with a bra or panties. (Also, bad erotica always says “panties.”) Like, excuse me, however rough I might like it, my bras and undies are strict denizens of the delicate cycle. This is where sex-toy plebeians unimaginatively turn to fuzzy handcuffs, but you’re no pleb, and bondage tape is a much better call. It sticks only to itself, so no need to fear a spontaneous mid-coitus arm hair wax. Plus, this particular tape is one of the few things most normal people will ever be able to afford from Kiki de Montparnasse.
Restraint Tape, $40, Kiki de Montparnesse
Incoqnito Droplet Necklace
Natural Massage Oil Candles
More erotic than a roaring fireplace, these candles smell good and give off a sexy flickering light. More importantly, the warm massage oil that gathers when the wick is lit feels whites-of-the-eyes good when drizzled carefully down the spine.
French Letter Stimulating Massage Condoms
Usually condoms are more of a sex necessity than a sex toy. Not so with French Letter condoms. These ribbed, texturized, and strategically studded wrappers venture beyond the drugstore pale. Also, they’re vegan and environmentally friendly, so I guess you can cook and garden with them or whatever. (No, no, do not do that.)
French Letter Stimulating Massage Condoms, $17, Coco de Mer
Bedroom Kandi Kandipop
This lollipop-shaped vibrator is is so sweet, it just might give you a toothache. It features four pulsation patterns and its shape allows for well-focused clitoral pressure. The only downside? You now have “Candy Shop” stuck in your head, and it might just stay there, on loop, until the end of days. Happy holidays, sucka.