Hey party people, it's December and you know what that means. Lots of present buying, lots of non-denominational greetings of the season, and if you happen to be one of the chosen few born in this month, it means lots of people telling you what it's like to be born in this month. As any Sagittarius will tell you, having a birthday in December is sort of the worst. And no, it's not because wah-wah, everyone forgot about me. It's because December babies must engage in the same conversation, over and over. And over. Whether they welcome it or not.
Whenever a December baby answers the ever so innocuous inquiry, "When's your birthday?" people can't help but 1.) point out how close or not close your birthday may be to Jesus's big day; 2.) estimate how happy you may or may not be with the gifts you receive; 3.) tell you about someone else's birthday in December; and 4.) try to make you feel okay about a birth date you already feel great about.
Here's how it goes down.
If your birthday is Dec. 1 to Dec. 5, this is how people respond:
"Oh! That's not even close to the holidays."
"Bet you don't have a problem with joint presents."
"My best friend's friend from elementary school was born on the 22nd. That's like, way worse."
"Sucks it's cold and dark out, though."
If your birthday is Dec. 6 to 11 ...
"Oh! That's like, two or three weeks before Christmas."
"Do people even try to give you joint presents?"
"My cousin's daughter was born on Dec. 23. Ugh, right?"
"But you know, it's not so bad. At least people are always in a festive mood."
If your birthday is Dec. 12 to 18...
"Oh man, that's about a week or two before Santa makes his rounds."
"You must have a real problem with joint presents."
"But talk about Christmas birthdays. My sister was born on Dec. 24."
"I mean, you don't have it so bad at all."
If your birthday is Dec. 19 to 24:
"That's really close to Christmas."
"Joint presents are the worst, aren't they?"
"I was born on Christmas Day, so..."
"Everyone always forgets about my one day a year to celebrate me, you know?"
If your birthday is Dec. 25 to 30:
"That is basically on Christmas."
"Do you get bigger presents because they're joint?"
"Well, at least you don't have it as bad as my dad. He was born on Father's Day."
"But hey, being born on New Year's gotta be the absolute worst, right!?"
And if your birthday is Dec. 31:
"At least you weren't born on Christmas."
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