New Lifelike Male Sex Dolls Are Now Available In The U.S., And They're Going To Either Get You Out Of A Dry Spell Or Terrify You

So male sex dolls are making headlines, because apparently the media never wants me to sleep again. They're ... they're something else. According to The Mirror, these make traditional dolls a thing of the past: "These terrifyingly lifelike male replicas have banished their blow-up predecessors to the darkest corner of a novelty store. The dolls are the creation of Los Angeles company Sinthetics.com, and are designed to take solo sex to a whole new level." So obviously, I have spent about four hours on the company website, and I would personally recommend reading the testimonials for an insight into the depths of the human soul.

These sex dolls are crazy realistic — in a weird way where they're also clearly plastic — but they don't come cheap. The male prices start at $5,900 (don't worry, this "will include soft thighs as standard on all dolls" and also "the gel buttocks upgrade" — what does it all mean). There are a lot of optional upgrades, including extra heads and penises. They have a full list of available upgrades, and it will make you wonder if there is anything good and pure left in this world, and then make you sure there is not. But I have to say that their (NSFW! NSWF! N.S.F.W.) penis replacement options are incredibly realistic and, dare I say ... beautiful?

They take these dolls very seriously. Sinthetics tells The Sun, "You can feel confident knowing that all Sinthetics products have to pass rigorous inspections to meet our expectations of quality.” I want to know what these inspections are. I want to be an inspector. I want ... I want life before I knew these existed.

And because apparently my dreams won't be haunted enough, here are some more things we should know about sex dolls (should we?):

1. Sometimes In Japan They're Called "Dutch Wives"

Basically, as Cosmopolitan says: "some of the first sex dolls were invented by Dutch sailors who were on the open sea for months and needed ... help ... the sailors made them out of leather, and then traded them to the Japanese, who still use the weird term to this day." I'd like to think they're no longer made of leather ... I'd like to think.

2. Selling Sex Dolls Is A Relatively Recent Phenomenon

We should consider ourselves lucky to have fake humans designed for sex delivered right to our door. GQ says, "sex dolls were first advertised in porn magazines around 1968, when it became legal to sell sexual devices through the mail". The modern world, eh?

3. But Replacements For A Man Aren't Recent At All

OK, so maybe we're just launching to replacing the the whole man in sex doll form, but we've been replicating his penis for a while. The world's oldest dildo was found in Germany, and is 28,000 years old. You go, 28,000-year-old Germans.

4. Apparently, Barbie May Have Been Based On A Sex Doll ... Awkward

That's right. It turns out that "in the 1950s the Bild Lilli doll was released in Germany, a small doll based on an attractive German actress that was designed for adult men," which, Cosmoplitan says, was the inspiration for Barbie. So now we're all deeply uncomfortable.

5. There Is A Sex Doll With Her Own Twitter

I'm sure there are a lot of them, but this is this the one I found. Her name is Sidore Kuroneko, and according to her twitter bio, she is a "part-time Synthetik model, full-time Synthetik activist". She also has 2,000 twitter followers and a human boyfriend, so just generally, she has it more together than I do.

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