'Sleepy Hollow' should absolutely employ these 8 dynamite fish-out-of-water scenarios

So there was no new Sleepy Hollow this week, a fact I did not learn until 10 minutes into what just seemed like a particularly déjà vu-filled episode. It took one of the characters basically rehashing all of the events of the pilot for me to cotton to the fact that, in story time, that must have happened one week ago (and not following the events of last week's episode). So I have a tremendous memory and am really quick on the uptake!

But a lack of a fresh episode shouldn’t stop us from talking about our favorite show currently featuring a headless antagonist. Sleepy Hollow’s very nature lends itself to meandering, open-ended discussion on all subjects of true merit. It’s with that spirit in mind that I figured we could just rap about Ichabod finding his way in the modern world.

So far, our regular Rip Van Winkle has offered his take on a bunch of modern contrivances: sales tax, the proliferation of Starbucks, emancipated slaves. With the number of otherworldly creatures Ichabbie faces each week, though, those priceless fish-out-of-water moments haven’t been arriving as consistently as we’d like them to. In an effort to speed up the process a little bit, it seems more than appropriate — helpful, even — to offer some ideas of our own:

  • Forced to watch a football game on television, Ichabod can only mutter about the incessant rule-keeping that reminds him of the British tyranny he fought so hard to end during the Revolutionary War
  • Everything is fun and games on a weekend hunting trip until Ichabod hands his pistol to Orlando Jones’ daughter, citing the need for even small children to know how to operate a firearm
  • Ichabod loses his shit at a colonial reenactment village
  • Late in the season, after Katrina has been sucked into another dimension or something, Ichabbie finally get it on. But Ichabod was raised to believe the female orgasm to be a myth! Hilarity and a spirited discussion of sexual equality ensues.
  • Ichabod gets way too into GTA V
  • Excited to see his old friend once more, Ichabod heads to the Sam Adams brewery in Boston. First he discovers that his friend was not put in cryo-sleep like he was, and has been dead for 200 years. Then he tastes the beer, which leaves much to be desired. “Appalling,” Ichabod smears at his tour guide.
  • Some random Netflixing leads Ichabod to watch The Patriot seven times in a row. Abbie tells him all about Mel Gibson’s hate-speech and alcoholic rants in an effort to get him to stop watching, but after she leaves he puts it on for an eighth time. Yes it is the only movie he has ever seen, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s his favorite.
  • When Ichabod’s centuries-old trousers start looking a little worn, Abbie takes him to Walmart to get some new ones, maybe with a neon racing stripe. But UH OH — she takes him on Black Friday, where swarms of consumers send Ichabod into a a legitimate panic attack. Ichabod cries at the Redbox machine near the exit, lamenting an America that has fallen so far.

Image: FOX