If You Don’t Bite Your Partner, Do You Even Love Them?

Remember when you could convince yourself you were a bit of a freak for secretly delighting in popping a pimple, cracking your neck, or excising earwax? Alas, now there are entire corners of TikTok are devoted to videos of oozing whiteheads and snapping shoulders. And the latest of these once private behaviors to go viral? Biting those we love.

“If biting my bf was a crime I’d be locked up for life. It’s not my fault he looks so handsome n tastes rlly nice,” goes one popular post on X. “*Bites through your collarbone,* sorry I just thought you were cute,” reads another

In part, this vulgar urge is an outgrowth of “cute aggression”: the desire to squeeze, crush, and, yes, bite the things we find incredibly pleasing (without actually harming them). About half of all adults feel this involuntary response to things we find “adorable”; if you’ve ever debated trying to fit a fluffy dog’s entire nose in your mouth — as I am… guilty of — you’re probably one of them. Scientists believe the phenomenon occurs when the brain’s emotion and reward systems are both activated, an overwhelming combination that leads to aggressive, but totally normal, thoughts.

Perhaps in a moment when we call grown men Babygirls or identify as “30-Year-Old Teenage Girls” — it’s only logical that we’d gravitate toward this toddler form of communication. How else would we test if our partners are willing to accept our most infantilized selves?

“This feels in line with asking ‘Would you still love me if I was a worm?’ It’s like, ‘I’m going to test you and be really annoying to make sure you still love me,’” says Many Such Cases newsletter writer Magdalene J. Taylor. “They’re workarounds to deeper intimacy [because] we’re more afraid of being more honest about our wants and desires, so we kind of use these tiny little tests instead.”

Workaround or not, many are getting immense pleasure out of the chomp, including Jo*, a 26-year-old nail technician. “My top love languages are physical touch and quality time, so when my boyfriend and I are cozy together and I’m getting those needs met, I’ll get a burst of energy and happiness, [like] the zoomies, that makes me want to bite him,” she tells Bustle. “I also have two dogs, and it’s so satisfying to bite my pit bull on her head because it’s firm and muscular, ew!”

The biting itself also triggers a dopamine rush, which 35-year-old Hannah describes as feeling like “getting hugged from behind while you’re at an outdoor concert, under moonlit stars, listening to your favorite band with your lover.” Tawny Lara, author of the sober dating guide Dry Humping, craves it so frequently that she’s taken to biting inanimate objects. “I randomly get this weird feeling, where I have to bite something — especially in the back of my mouth — so I’ll randomly bite on a piece of fabric to satisfy it,” she says. “Sometimes when my husband and I sit on the couch, we playfully take turns gently biting each other’s fingers to see who can handle the pain the longest, kind of like Shiv and Tom doing ‘bitey’ on Succession.”

Some even find biting to be a useful intimacy tool. The award-winning burlesque performer, producer, and instructor who goes by the name Qualms says that biting is the rare way that she — a submissive whose relationships mostly have a kink aspect — gets to inflict a little pain. “My dominant will wrap his arm around my neck while we’re watching TV, squeezing just enough to make me short of breath, and when he releases, I bite him... hard,” Qualms says. “He loves it.” He can even track her moods by her nips. “I suffer from depression and anxiety, and my dom knows when I’m not feeling well or if I’m disconnected, because I don’t bite him. It’s a signal to him to check in because something is off.”

Even if you don’t agree that “if she’s not biting you, she doesn’t like you that much,” you have to admit that biting is no wilder than any of our other expressions of love and desire. Take spitting in someone’s mouth, ass play, or… regular old missionary. “Biting is a primal rat brain type of behavior,” Jo points out. And, to quote the Bloodhound Gang, “You and me, baby, ain’t nothin’ but mammals. So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”