Movies
Including the true hero of the film.
Twilight, much like the vampires it features, absolutely refuses to pass away. Over a decade on, the movie remains a pop culture touchstone and an enduring guilty pleasure. The data is irrefutable: Just last summer, the film series hit Netflix and became the five most-watched movies on the streaming service.
While diehard fans likely relished reliving every minute of vampy romance, for more casual viewers, it didn’t take long to remember ... Oh yeah, these movies are kind of wild. Moviegoers who watched the film exactly one time in 2008 and haven’t thought about it since, be warned: Twilight is even weirder than you remember.
The story is odd (the actors agree!). The acting is ... not subtle. The music is very much of its (emo) time. It’s strange to think that in spite of all of that, this movie would crush at the box office — the first in a series that would net over $3.3 billion in theaters worldwide.
But I’m not here to debate Twilight’s cinematic merits. No, we’re here today because, even after so many years, there’s still more to discuss about the movie (specifically, how all the vampires should be in therapy, and how Carlisle Cullen really messed up). This is Twilight, but in 2022!
These current times really make me question Carlisle’s choices.
So, you were living through the Spanish flu, in which an estimated 50 million people passed away, and you saved ... one person?! Yes, I fully understand that he can’t just go around turning people into vampires lest the secret get out, but he was a doctor watching many, many people get sick — which, sadly, is quite relevant to our current situation. I bet lots of people during the Spanish flu could’ve been helped, and not just those who looked like teens.
I can’t believe this is the most joyful film in the franchise.
I appreciated the note on IMDb that “Kristen Stewart smiles over 35 times during the course of the movie.” Firstly, because I appreciate the person who paused and rewinded the film to catch every rueful smirk. Secondly, because 35 times is very few for a movie that’s over two hours long. But mainly, and most importantly, because she smiles much less. And the series only gets grimmer and more depressing!
Anna Kendrick is the best part.
Kendrick has lovingly called her character “an idiot,” but Jessica is hardly a fool. She’s a good friend (she tries to support Bella as she’s dating a weird older guy), and an endearingly excitable teen (she swoons over going to the prom with her age-appropriate crush, and doesn’t shy away from how great she looks in her dress!). Jessica is also the only character to offer some comedy and snark — the rest act like they’re waiting to get colonoscopies. Make me a movie about Rosalie, and then make me a movie about Jessica.
Jackson Rathbone’s wide-eyed hungry face is distracting.
I realize that his actions are meant to set up a pivotal scene in the second film, but it’s still unsettling. Thanks to his “I need to eat that person right now” face, I can’t even focus on Bella or Edward.
There are a lot of characters, but Jasper’s easily the least likable. And that’s not even counting the main reason to hate him: that he was once a Confederate soldier.
So they couldn’t have found, like, a vampire therapist to talk to?
Instead of self-soothing by watching a 17-year-old sleep, Edward, maybe try working on yourself? And also, maybe bring your whole family along too?
The Cullens live alongside humans and want to eat them all the time. They can’t go outside. They have to keep repeating high school. Most of them are wrestling with trauma (lookin’ at you, Rosalie). It’s wild that they’ve lived for so long and never bothered to bring in a professional
Edward, you used to be human!
Don’t act like you don’t know what sleep is and why Bella needs it! It’s as if the vampires, upon becoming immortal, immediately forget everything they used to do in their former lives. (This is addressed somewhat more fully in the book, but there’s still a ton that doesn’t add up.) The family fumbles through dinner with Bella, but they literally sit in the lunchroom with her every day. They’re always around people, and yet human behavior is wildly strange to them.
Also, let’s say it again: Edward, stop watching people sleep without their knowledge.
One more thing: Please don’t “make” anyone dance, Edward.
It’s almost menacing. Usually, Edward goes out of his way to avoid Bella and warn her about spending time with him (unless he’s too busy puking because of how much he wants to drink her blood). But then, when Bella is like, “Ha, no, please don’t try to make my clumsy self dance with you,” he insists she join him.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I would’ve loved a scene where Edward makes Bella foxtrot, and she accidentally knees him in the balls. Yes! Let’s pretend that’s what happened.
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