Confessions Of The “Token Gay” On Your Bachelorette Trip

There’s a good chance Kirk Charles has been to more bachelorette parties than you. The 33-year-old, who works in marketing and lives in Philadelphia, estimates he’s attended as many as a dozen pre-wedding girls trips over the years to destinations you’ve probably seen all over your Instagram: Charleston, Savannah, Tampa, Sedona, Tulum. His squads have done the poolside hangs and photo shoots, the brunches and Barre classes — although he often skips the workouts. Being the only gay guy on these trips can be exhausting, after all. “You’re kind of the center of attention, the entertainment, the belle of the ball! I wish there was a word for being the star of the show on a bachelorette,” Charles once said on TikTok.

“I’m looking for a word, and it’s ‘bride,’” Charles jokes to Bustle. Although he doesn’t intend to pull focus on these trips, he can’t help feeling like he stands out. “There’s a stereotype around a gay man being more fun,” he says. “I think it’s because I’m the one outlier.”

As traditional gender roles around bridal parties have loosened in recent decades, it’s become increasingly common for queer men to join their straight besties on bachelorette trips. But more often than not, the photos you see of these weekends away tend to follow a familiar pattern: a large group of women smiling and wearing novelty sashes — on the beach, by the pool, in bars — accompanied by just one gay male friend like Charles, who asked to be referred to only by his first and middle name. In April, the topic of gay men on bachelorette parties became the talk of TikTok thanks to comedian Dana Joy Seigelstein. The 27-year-old New Yorker uploaded a tongue-in-cheek video in which she wondered whether gay guys ever get jealous of the one “token gay” who gets invited on said trips. “Do they battle it out like they’re on Survivor? Are they jealous? I just need to know,” she joked. “Like, did you sleep your way to the bachelorette party? How did you get chosen?”

Seigelstein tells me she didn’t mean for her video to be taken seriously, but her lighthearted question inspired a ton of responses. Some guys said she was correct and admitted they did enjoy feeling like “one of the girls,” but many, many other guys said they could think of nothing worse, even equating it to a form of community service. “They were hysterical,” Seigelstein says of the responses. “They were like, ‘No, babe, this is worse than getting drafted,’ or, ‘I’d rather wait at the DMV.’”

Eventually, the discourse took a more serious turn. Some gay men said they objected to being the “diversity hire” or “entertainment for the evening,” insisting they “don’t need to be picked by straight people to feel validated.” As one man shared earnestly, “It’s not a good feeling to be the only gay person in a destination and environment that is clearly catered towards straight people.” (Seigelstein eventually deleted her video, explaining that her casual use of the word “token” had offended a community she supports: “It turns out I need better delivery.”)

But what exactly is it like for the average gay man who finds himself alone and donning a “Team Bride” T-shirt for the weekend? It depends on whom you ask. Many men simply have a wonderful time. “I didn’t feel tokenized at all, but that’s just really natural because of my friendship with the bride,” says Brantly Houston, a 32-year-old from Arkansas who works in advertising. He recently spent a weekend hiking and wine-tasting with four ladies at an Oklahoma cabin. When he saw the chatter around Seigelstein’s TikTok, he was confused. “What is the friendship dynamic between the guys who are saying ‘Oh yeah, we hate that’ and the bride?” he wondered.

Others are happy to act as the life of the party. Andres Arce, a 29-year-old flight attendant in New York, was the only gay on a bachelorette in Nashville in 2023 and will soon find himself in the same situation with another group in Puerto Rico. He knows his invitation comes with the implicit understanding that, as the only gay there, he’ll be taking care of the music playlists and keeping the drinks flowing. “Honestly, it feels like you’re the honorary special VIP,” Arce says. “You’re kind of on duty, but it’s fun. It’s not any hard labor or anything like that.”

Still, this expectation is so widely held that it causes some men to chafe at the prospect of attending bachelorettes. Dylan, a 38-year-old in Boston who asked only to be identified by his first name, has declined two separate invitations for trips to Nashville where he knew he’d be the sole gay man in attendance. “I saw people buying tiaras and sashes and pink cowboy boots and couldn’t do it,” he says. “You’re invited, but there’s sorta this expectation you’ll be a girl.” While Dylan wouldn’t hesitate to spend a Saturday night out with this group of women, the prospect of being unable to leave made him anxious. He also feared his reluctance to “be the most gay you can be” would bring down the vibe. “Guests at the bachelorette party can be put into roles,” Dylan says. “And a gay at a bachelorette party has to be funny, super gay, fearless, and down for anything.”

The friendship between gay men and straight women can be a sacred thing. Many of these friendships form in childhood, when gay boys may not yet know anyone else gay (or even that they’re gay themselves) and find comfort and community among girls. But as they age, their lives may go in different directions, even if their friendship still endures. That’s what happened to one 37-year-old New Yorker, who asked not to be named, and his best friend from middle school. When he spent a weekend with her and her bridesmaids in Napa Valley in 2019, he realized they had less in common than they once did. She was now more aligned with other women from their hometown who were settling down and starting families. As the only gay man, he said he suddenly found himself being treated like a “zoo animal” by these women. “They asked so many questions about gay culture,” he says. “I was getting asked about open relationships and what gay bars are like [and] drag queens. They had been getting a very sanitized version of queer culture.”

Speaking of gay bars: Plan your bachelorette excursion mindfully. While one 2019 poll found that 75% of LGBTQ Americans had no problem with bridal parties visiting those venues — perhaps in pursuit of a night out where they won’t be bothered by straight men — a particular bar’s regulars may not appreciate an influx of heterosexual guests treating their safe space like a novelty; some gay bars have even banned bachelorette parties outright. (A 2023 Saturday Night Live sketch parodied the trope: “I don’t have many memories from the bachelorette trip because I was drugged… by myself,” Bowen Yang’s character jokes. “I had no choice! These women were terrorizing every gay bar in town!”) And while bringing a queer friend with you is a good rule of thumb for being a respectful visitor, the gay guy on your trip may not want to play tour guide: “Don’t force them to go to a gay bar,” Charles advises. “They don’t have to do that if they don’t want to.”

I saw people buying tiaras and sashes and pink cowboy boots and couldn’t do it.

If you’re planning a bachelorette, it pays to be inclusive of any gay male guest in attendance. If outfit mood boards and “look books” are nonnegotiable for you, for instance, put some thought into the options for men so they don’t feel left out, and don’t assume they’ll want to tag along for hourslong shopping trips. More importantly, if you’re thinking of hosting a trip in a more conservative destination, consider that your gay friend may not always feel comfortable or safe. When Charles and his friends visited Charleston, they had to leave bars where other patrons called him anti-gay slurs and chanted in support of Donald Trump. Similarly, a 30-year-old gay man from Nashville tells me that when he attended a bachelorette in 2021 in Savannah, an angry patron accused him of checking him out — only for the bride-to-be to take the stranger’s side. “[She] was screaming, ‘This was my weekend and it was supposed to be about me. What is wrong with you?!’ and I was literally in shock,” he recalls. “It almost felt like I was being tested by her and the rest of the friend group on the trip — and I’d failed.” Understandably, they’re no longer friends.

In that vein, if male strippers are on your bachelorette agenda, you might want to alert them that a gay man will be among those watching. This would help avoid the experience one 36-year-old Massachusetts man had on a bachelorette in Seattle around 2017, when the exotic dancer told the maid of honor that the gay man’s presence made him uncomfortable. “I was not harassing him, and I was lower energy than the girls,” he says. “She negotiated that he would not do an individualized dance for me.” The whole experience was “awkward and humiliating.”

By this point you might think the best thing to do to make your gay friend feel comfortable is ensure he’s not the only gay friend you invite. (“What is this? A ’90s movie? You only have one token gay friend?” one man said on TikTok in response to Seigelstein’s video.) But beware: That can create its own charged situation. Charles has often wondered how he might feel if he weren’t alone on these trips, but he ultimately concluded he’s fine with being the only gay. “I don’t want to have to compete with them,” he says. “Or I’d have to f*ck them. I’d be pressured. All the girls would be like, ‘Oh, you guys should like each other!’”

At the end of the day, you know your gay bestie better than I do, and no two friendships (or gay men, for that matter) are the same. You might have the dynamic where nothing needs to be said, or you might consider checking in with them prior to the trip to see if there’s anything that’s on their mind. There’s a good chance they’re only worried about you having an unforgettable time — they’re your friend, after all.

Charles did have one final piece of advice, however. “We draw the line at the bachelorette party,” he says. “I’ll have fun with you, but I don’t want to come to your baby shower.”