10 Dorothy Parker Poems For A Perfectly Bitter Valentine’s Day

Hannah Burton/Bustle

If you're looking forward to Valentine's Day this year, with all of its chalk flavored candy and its impassioned Instagram posts and its lies, that's fine. You go have fun with your novelty champagne-based cocktails. But if you're not exactly looking forward to February the 14th because love is a myth and your heart is a dried up husk... then I got you these Dorothy Parker poems.

Dorothy, you see, is patron saint of cynical young women (and anyone else adept at falling in and out of love with all the wrong people). She's an acerbic, acid-tongued poet from the '30s who somehow understands the existential pain of waiting for a text from your crush. She's the author who coined the phrase, "What fresh hell is this?" She's the drunk brunch companion of your dreams. And most importantly, she will never, ever try to make you feel better about your heartbreak.

So if you're looking for wistful verses about how love is out there for all of us, look somewhere else. If you're looking to wallow, then here is a taste of Dorothy's best work, for an especially bitter Valentine's Day. Let's read them together and make appletinis, and then we can stalk our exes on various social media platforms.