It's no great secret that
literature is full of monster boyfriends. We've seen zombie boyfriends and demon boyfriends and that perpetual runner-up, the werewolf boyfriend. But anyone who's ever wandered through the paranormal romance section of their local bookstore can tell you that vampire boyfriends still rule the genre with a pale, well-manicured fist. But what makes a vampire date-able? Out of all the great vampire boyfriends of literature, who comes out on top? Lucky for you, I am a vampire scientist, and I am here to share my findings with this completely objective, not at all made up ranking of the greatest literary vampire boyfriends ever to rise from the dead.
There are, of course, many wonderful
vampire girlfriends in literature as well. But this is a list about objectifying men. Besides, I will argue that the appeal of the vampire boyfriend is slightly different than the appeal of the vampire girlfriend: the gentleman vampire is usually a dandy of some sort. He's not just dangerous, he's dangerous and well groomed. He's rarely hyper-masculine. He's just as likely to sigh and talk to you about the heyday of classical music as bite you. He's an evil, well-mannered, aristocratic man who has the capacity to kill you, but would rather show you all his nice scarves (except for the couple of occasions when he totally does try to kill you). So if that sounds like your ideal date night, here are some of the sexiest (and least sexy) vampires out there:
NO. Terrible Vampire Boyfriend, zero stars. Kurt Barlow is from
who clearly knows 'Salem's Lot by Stephen King, nothing about vampire sex appeal. All Kurt does is eat children and attack priests and go around terrorizing a small town in Maine. He's not suave or brooding at all, and he clearly has bad dental hygiene. He might be a good villain, but you know he's going to bring up religion on the first date. Score: 1,000/10 for being actively repulsive.
... has his moments. He introduced fangs to the vampire mythos, which is very sexy. He also hates his cursed condition, which makes for some excellent brooding. But he's not especially Varney the Vampire good at being a vampire, and most of his long (over 667,000 words) and confused story stars him botching various vampire attacks before he eventually throws himself in a volcano. He will definitely spill his soup on you, and then try to bite your neck while you're cleaning it up. Score: 1/10 for general incompetence.
As far as literature goes,
Lord Ruthven is the . He pre-dates Varney and Dracula. And honestly, he's pretty suave: a handsome, mysterious British nobleman who sweeps girls off their feet... and then murders them. That is the one thing about Ruthven, he does murder every single one of his girlfriends (murder-murder, instead of turning them into vampires). So... you know, a solid choice, unless being murdered on your wedding night is a real deal-breaker. original vampire Score: 3/10 for murder.
The man himself.
Dracula is THE vampire. He's rich, creepy, cordial, and he's got that accent. He lives in a big foggy castle. He can also do all the cool vampire things, like hypnosis and ordering bats around. But you know he's going to get mobbed with groupies on any date in a public place, and Renfield's going to want to third wheel. Plus, Dracula does also seem inclined to attack his vampire girlfriends (servants?) if they step out of line. So that's not great. Score: 5.5/10 for being too famous and a general bad boss.
Stefan and Damon Salvatore
is all about a girl named Elena who dates not one but The Vampire Diaries two vampire brothers. I know that she's usually dating Stefan or Damon, and not both at once, but I submit to you that the two combine to make one extremely decent, brooding Vampire Boyfriend. They are basically total opposites, but also somehow both of them are the Dark and Troubled one (I guess Stefan is supposed to be nicer and Damon is supposed to be withholding and therefore Hotter?). Score: 6.5/10 for double the boyfriend.
I'm sorry Bill Compton fans, the unfortunate reality is that Bill Compton is kind of boring, and that is my scientific ruling. He dates Sookie Stackhouse in
the Southern Vampire Mysteries, and he seems like the perfect vampiric gentleman, until later in the series when it turns out that he was only using Sookie for her telepathic powers and also he's still boring, but mostly a good guy. Score: 7/10, I've already forgotten everything about him. Now we're talking. Sookie's other Vampire Boyfriend is a Vampire Viking named Eric Northman, who spends all his time taking bullets for Sookie and generally being hot and ruthless. He'll do anything for her. And yet! Usually they cannot be together, because of Vampire Reasons, and also because Eric is simply too handsome and evil. That is prime Vampire Boyfriend behavior, well done. Score: 7.5/10, points off for his genuine disregard for human life.
Look, many a hot take has been written about Edward Cullen from
. Is he a good boyfriend? No, he's controlling and manipulative. Please do not date anyone who behaves like Edward (or any vampire, really) in real life. But as far as Vampire Boyfriends go, he Twilight is extremely moody, withholding, and sparkly, which is all very good. He's also devastatingly romantic, if a little preachy. He'll help you with your college applications and send you texts about snails. Score: 8/10, but you'd think he'd be over going to high school by now.
In terms of actual boyfriend-ship, Dimitri from the
books is probably the best one out there. He's noble, hot, compassionate, a vampire, romantic, moody, intense, and he has an accent. Sure, gets attacked by some of the Bad Vampires and briefly becomes evil, but then he gets better and goes back to being Rose's perfect Vampire Boyfriend. Vampire Academy Score: 9/10, almost too perfect.
The Brat Prince himself, Lestat is the anti-hero (and sometimes the straight up hero) of
Anne Rice's vampire books, and he is a beautiful mess. I mean, sure, he's a little evil and a little lascivious and more than a little moody. But at the end of the day, the Vampire Boyfriend fantasy is not about finding the perfect, trustworthy man. It's about making out with a charismatic vampire prince and his various other lovers on a vintage French daybed, and then running around New Orleans until one of you has an existential freak out. And that's what the vampire Lestat is all about. Score: 10/10, inhuman disaster but I'm pretty sure I could fix him.