"Cards Against Muggles" is the downloadable Harry Potter inspired version of everyone's favorite party game, Cards Against Humanity, and it's the unbelievably funny (and definitely 18+) card game you never knew you always wanted. The best part is that you don't have to wait for the game to come in the Owl Post to start playing. The "Cards Against Muggles" game is currently being sold as a download only for $19.95, you can print off the whole set of 1,300 cards right this minute. And after one look at the deck I can tell you that it's worth every single penny.
If you're one in a group of friends who consider themselves major Potterheads, you will need this game at your next house party. It's raunchy and witty and full of some more obscure references only extreme Potter fans will understand, making this the perfect addition to all of your other HP merch. If you're curious to know more about the hilarity awaiting you before you shell out the Galleons, I've handpicked a few of the funniest cards from the deck for you to check out. The following 13 are just some of the hilarious punchlines you could be dealt from your "Cards Against Muggles" deck, and they'll have you laughing so hard already, you won't hesitate to click purchase immediately.
"Losing The House Cup Because Harry And His Friends Went On Another F*cking Adventure"
I mean, just imagine being a Hogwarts students who isn't part of Harry's core group. You're just trying to get an education and here comes Potter yet again, saving the entire wizarding world for the bajillionth time. Can he not for just, like, a second?
"The Bizarre And Horrific Ordeal That Conceived Rubeus Hagrid"
Um...I have never actually stopped to think about the realities of Hagrid's conception before. After all, if his brother Grawp is a "tiny giant" at 16 feet, his mother must have been at least 25 feet? And his father was just some regular ol' dude that Hagrid far outgrew as an adolescent. Cancel all my plans because I have to investigate this.
"Stop Staring And Kill The F*cking Dark Lord, Oh My God, How Are You Not Dead Yet"
*Frustrated Dumbledore Shrug* COME ON, GUYS. How many opportunities were there to do away with Voldy? Even keeping in mind his horcruxes needing to be destroyed before he could fully die, there was sure a lot of back and forth on the whole thing, wasn't there?
"Calling Severus Snape A F*ckboy"
Say it again, for the Snape stans in the back! He might have been brave but he was also hella problematic and I will not ignore this. His goading helped lead Sirius to his death; his bullying of Neville was dangerous; and his hatred of Harry due to nothing more than personal vendetta was unacceptable. Also, if a woman rejecting you in high school ends up being the WHOLE POINT of the rest of your life, you need to get a hobby, bro.
"The Actual Love Triangle Between Harry, Ron And Hermione"
EXCUSE ME! This is unacceptable to me in every which way I will have you know, so head to the back of the line Harry/Hermione shippers. Ronmione 4Ever (don't @ me) Though I could maybe be persuaded about a Harry/Ron ship... you can @ me about that.
"Professor McGonagall Feeding You Biscuits"
This iconic scene will forever make me laugh at Harry's reaction and simultaneously pump my fist in the air because Professor Minerva McGonagall is a bad ass who does not need to be protected at all costs... because this bad bitch can protect herself, and offer you some Ginger Snaps while she's at it.
"The Love Child Of Donald Trump And Dolores Umbridge"
Thanks for the nightmares, Cards Against Muggles. I hope you're prepared to pay my therapy bills for this one.
"Oliver Wood, The Walking Innuendo"
If you are a person who is attracted to men and you did not have a crush on Oliver Wood at some point in your adolescence, you are doing your Harry Potter fandom-ing so, so wrong. And, no, it did not just occur to me that his name is a hilariously saucy innuendo when I saw the title for this card, I do not know what you are talking about.
"Dying So Hard The Only Thing That's Left Is A Finger"
If you're gonna fake die, and instead tranform into a rat and then live with an unexpecting family of nine for most of the remainder of your life before you're found out and then get killed by your own fleeting moment of kindness thanks to the bewitched hand your evil master replaced your real hand with which he cut off to put in a potion to bring him back to life, die hard, ain't that right Wormtail?
"Snorting Floo Powder To Go On A Mental Journey"
I...just..I can't even imagine what the experience of snorting Floo Powder would be like but something tells me there would be a visit to St. Mungo's in your very near future. Would it be worth it, though? Only one way to find out.
"Sirius Black; The World's Biggest Drama Queen"
After reading Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix back in 2003 I immediately changed my email to AvengeSirius so I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A LIL' DRAMATIC, OK? And I am not going to deny that Sirius is one of my people with his tendency to pout and rage and then fatally ignore everyone who told him he had to stay home with his pet Hippogriff because he was a wrongly convicted mass murderer. But, like, just watch some Netflix and chill, Sirius, jeez!
"Making A Ridiculously Over The Top Anagram Of Your Name"
Listen. Tom Riddle might be a lot things but he ain't no basic bitch. And if he is going to become the greatest dark wizard of all time, he's not going to do it with a name as boring a Tom. Can you just imagine how long it took him to come up with that anagram, though? Didn't he have horcruxes to make and students to get wrongly expelled and whatnot? Where did he find the time?!
"The Sh*t Names Harry Gave His Kids"
Thank you, Cards Against Muggles, for agreeing with a vast majority of Potter fans everywhere when we say: Ginny should have reined Harry in on those kids' names. Seriously? James Sirius, I can give a pass to. Naming your son after your beloved late father and godfather? Sure, Harry, I get it. But Albus Severus? No, just no. Even Lily Luna is a bit too much to take. If he was feeling so uninspired could Harry not have popped down to Flourish & Blotts for a baby name book? I mean, honestly.