Oh St. Valentine's Day, how I loathe thee. The pressure of creating a Valentine's Day narrative that rivals a Hollywood rom com makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Same? Then you're going to need these Valentine's Day Instagram captions for people who hate the love holiday. Whether you're single, dating or in a relationship, the unrealistic expectations of Valentine's Day can be frustrating AF. In fact, a squabble over the origin of my Valentine's Day rose bouquet once led to a break up after I learned that my then boyfriend had gotten them from a co-worker who received the flowers in question but didn't want them. If we had forgone Valentine's Day altogether could we have avoided this fight? Perhaps.
Forbes reported that Valentine's Day stress is real, and this globally designated day of love can even prompt you to call your entire relationship into question like I did. "Valentine's Day can bring scrutiny on and strain your relationship," Bruce Y. Lee wrote for Forbes. On the other hand, if you're single, the collective societal pressure to engage in the rituals of happy coupledom can have you doubting your life choices. Fortune reported that singles are more likely to engage in overly zealous dating-app-swiping behavior on Valentine's Day, and V-Day spending is second only to Christmas.
Because the pressure of Valentine's Day isn't enough, in the Midwest (where I am from), there is another stress inducing romance day called Sweetest Day. Because apparently people in the flyover states should suffer more. If you're a love-day hater, show your solidarity for your fellow anti-Valentine's-Day friends with these Instagram captions.
1. When there's no cure for the sickness: "Love is in the air. Try not to breathe." — Pinterest
2. When some tries to holler at you: "Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan." — Unknown
3. Because it's true: "Cupid is stupid." — Unknown
4. When you're not buying into the hype: "People can call it Valentine's Day, but I call it Wednesday." — Unknown
5. When you want to be punny: "This year I'll be celebrating Valentine's Day Han style; solo." — Unknown
6. Any questions? "My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks." — Joan Rivers
7. On life choices: "Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore." — Lady Gaga
8. When your friend in love won't shut up: "Soul mates only exist in the Hallmark aisle of Duane Reade Drugs." — Miranda Hobbes, Sex and the City
9. Because it always ends up a mess: "Love sucks. Sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it's just another way to bleed." — Laurell K. Hamilton
10. If you're bitter: "There are certain people that are marked for death. I have my little list..." — Jennifer Lopez
11. On not caving to the pressure: "I'm attracted to pie. It doesn't mean I feel the need to date pie." — Lorelai Gilmore, Gilmore Girls
12. When you encounter the whiners: "If your heart was really broken you'd be dead. So shut up." — Unknown
13. Because, the answer is always pizza: "Love disappoints. Pizza is eternal." — Unknown
14. Because, why should lovers get all the attention? "Happy singles awareness day." — Unknown
Seriously, there's no shame in designating Feb. 14 as a day to focus on deepening your relationship with your cat instead of trying to find a last-minute Valentine's Day date on the interwebs. Get yourself some pizza, and go to bed happy in the knowledge that chocolate will be on sale the next day. After all, that's the real gift of Valentine's Day.