Becoming sexually active with someone is a very intimate experience, and it can be a delicate process to navigate. Some people are more vocal about what they want than others, but to ensure everyone seems comfortable, there are a number of questions your significant other should be asking you in the bedroom. Everyone has different needs and preferences, but it can't hurt to have frank discussions about what to expect when you become involved intimately with another person.
"If a couple doesn't tell each other what their sexual needs and fantasies are, odds are they won't be met," says Steve McGough, DHS, associate professor of Clinical Sexology at the IASHS, over email. "Over time this can lead to many challenges in the relationship and a loss of interest in intimacy. "In many situations (but not always) women aren't sexually satisfied with the experience and over time lose interest in sex, particularly when life starts getting more busy and stressful."
Having open discussions can not only increase your chances of pleasure, but it can help prevent them from trying anything that you don't want to do. Even if you're in a committed relationship, here are seven questions your significant other should be asking you in the bedroom.
1. "When's The Last Time You've Been Tested?"
This goes both ways: A conversation needs to be had about each other's sexually transmitted disease history. "The health concerns are obvious, but many times even when condoms are used there can be fear or concerns in the back of your mind if you don't do this," says McGough.
2. "What Form Of Birth Control Are We Using?"
"You need to talk about birth control and make sure you're on the same page with what you want," says McGough. "For exmaple, if one partner wants to have children and the other doesn't, you need to talk about it. This also is something that can be in the back of your mind and cause you to not enjoy the experience as much."
3. "What Do You Want Sexually?"
This question is important because most couples don't outright tell each other what they want. "If this seems uncomfortable, try playing a game where each person tries to think of the craziest sexual activity they can think of," says McGough. "It is agreed that just mentioning it doesn't mean you're going to do it. You're just playing a game to get more comfortable talking about these areas."
4. "When Are You In The Mood?"
One situation that frequently happens is one partner is "in the mood" while the other is tired or not interested. Pinpointing when exactly you're in the mood and being open about it can help both partners overcome any frustration. "Just asking this question can head off many potential problems later — particularly after children, more job stress, etc. gets added to the lifestyle, making it harder to find time for intimacy," says McGough.
5. "What Is Off Limits To You?"
"Many times a partner will be embarrassed about their body, and this stress at best will reduce the quality of the experience," says McGough. Talk about things that are off limits during sexual activity, including acts that you don't want to do or even something as simple as comments on each other's appearance.
6. "What Are Some Alternatives To The Things You Don't Like?"
Your partner may want to do something you aren't comfortable with, but it can be helpful for them to ask about alternatives they would also really enjoy. "For example, in some cases, a partner doesn't enjoy oral sex for their partner," says McGough. "However, there are great techniques using oil and your hands or certain toys, sleeves, etc. that can mimic those sensations and often provide even more intense stimulation."
7. "What's Something New You Want To Explore?"
"If you've been in a relationship for a while, ask each other what new activity could you explore together that you haven't experienced yet," says McGough. "This can be great homework for a new intimate adventure. Get books, watch videos, or hit the internet and Google crazy things."