7 Things It’s Not OK For Your Partner To Ask You To Do
Everyone's relationship is different, and some people have their own preferences and needs when it comes to dating someone else. However, there are certain types of behaviors that are not okay no matter who you're with, and there are a number of things a partner should never ask you to do. Usually, this involves something that will affect you beyond just in the relationship, and although they might seem obvious, these demands are actually pretty common and be more difficult to spot when they're happening in the moment. Knowing where you can draw the line can help prevent an unhealthy relationship from continuing on without boundaries.
"It’s important to have boundaries in any and all of your relationships," says therapist and relationship expert Jane Reardon, founder of RxBreakup App, over email. "Having clear boundaries helps you retain a clear sense of yourself, knowing what works for you and what doesn’t and being willing to say it out loud, so everyone can get on the same page with how you’re feeling. With fuzzy or invisible boundaries, you might find yourself agreeing to do things you really don’t want to do, making someone else happy at your own expense"
Here are seven things it's not okay for your partner to ask you to do.
1. Overlook Angry Outbursts Or Physical Violence
Your partner should never ask you to deny or overlook angry outbursts or physical violence or to take the blame for the cause. "They are asking you to take responsibility for their behavior," says therapist Carrie Krawiec, LMFT over email. "In healthy relationships, each person takes responsibility for their own actions, thoughts, and feelings.
2. Isolate Yourself From Friends & Family
You should not feel like you are unable to see friends or family or that you have time limitations for interactions with them. "Its one thing for a partner to ask you to spend more time with them so you can connect and bond, but it's another thing completely when they try and create limits on who you can see and when," says relationship and wellness coach Shula Melamed, MA MPH over email. "We all have the right to make autonomous decisions about who we see and when. When a partner tries to isolate us from our loved ones, it is a sign of emotional abuse."
3. Downplay Your Successes
Your significant other should be proud of all you have accomplished, not annoyed or threatened. "This suggests their insecure need to be seen as better trumps any need you have to be congratulated," says Krawiec. "If you are feeling guilt or resentment when something positive happens to you and you can't share, it's a good sign that your boundaries are either being pushed by your partner or being overextended by your self."
4. Relinquish Financial Power Or Quit Your Job
Your partner should never demand control of your money. "This would be a concern because it leaves you vulnerable to abuse and dependence," says Krawiec. "If you weren't both given shared power over household finances, then that would be a sign of a power differential that is not mutually respectful."
5. Accept Unacceptable Behavior From Friends Or Family
Whether their friends don't respect your space or their parents are rude to you, your partner shouldn't expect you to just get over it. "To accept or ignore unacceptable behavior from their friends or family conveys that they place more value on their own need to avoid confrontation or that they value these other relationships over the one with you," says Krawiec. "Any of these would render your relationship as not mutually respectful."
6. Change Who You Fundamentally Are
"If your partner requires that you give up your beliefs, convictions or values this is a major red flag," says Melamed. This doesn't mean enthusiastically agreed upon religious conversion or creating opportunities for experiences that are a little out of you comfort zone, but instead things that define you. "If they don't accept you for who you are fundamentally, there is a real issue," she says.
7. Put You In The Middle Of Relationships
Your partner should not ask you to be their "messenger" to someone like their parents. "Often, a partner will say, 'Tell my mother...'" says psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish over email. "This only puts you in the middle, triangulates you, and releases your partner from taking responsibility for their own communications."