9 Secrets You Can Only Share With Your Work Wife

by Megan Grant

Every woman knows there's one thing in particular that helps you get through the workday. No, not the Keurig machine. The other thing. No, not the Chipotle that's in the building next door. The other, other thing. Yes, it's your work wife. *sigh*. There are secrets you can only share with your work wife and nobody else, because she just gets you. She doesn't judge you when you take naps in your car during breaks or eat someone else's lunch and then blame it on your coworker as payback for that time he farted in your cubicle and then denied it. Your work wife is there beside you through thick and thin, good and bad, till death or unemployment do you part; and you can't imagine your job without her. Who else would you secretly text about how much your clients suck or how much it bothers you that your manager still thinks "irregardless" is a real word?

To all the work wives of the world, we thank you — you make the boring 9-to-5 a bit more bearable. And no matter who comes and goes in our lives, you're the only ones we feel comfortable enough around to share some of our deepest, darkest secrets.


Your Director Definitely Didn't Clog The Only Toilet In The Women's Restroom

You and the wife know what really happened, but let's be honest: when you're too scared to tell the truth, the best thing to do is lie.


You Weren't Sick — You Were Hungover

It must've been from the bad Chinese food/10 shots of tequila you had last night. Your work wifey knows because, well, she was there. She can just handle her alcohol a little better than you. B*tch.


The Copy Machine Didn't Randomly Stop Working While You Were Trying To Use It

It broke because you sat on it while you were trying to make copies of your own butt.


Whenever You're Late, It's Usually Because The Starbucks Drive-Thru Took Forever

And if it took forever, it's because someone's drink order got messed up — meaning, yours and your work wife's. Also, they forgot her lemon pound cake. Is that your fault? No.


Your Relationship With Dan In Finance Is Very Inappropriate

You must've missed the section in the employee handbook about how interoffice dating is strictly prohibited, because as far as you're concerned, dating a coworker is 100 percent awesome.


You Didn't Really Misunderstand Your Boss When He Gave You A 10-Minute Break

"10? I'm so sorry, Mr. Dinglehopper. I thought you said 45." You and your work wife got a real kick out of this one, and you laughed and you laughed.


You're The Moron Who Keeps Putting Coffee Grounds Down The Sink Drain

Your manager: "Dang it! Who's the one washing coffee grounds down the drain?"

You: *shifty eyes*

Your manager: "They clog the pipes!"

You: *shifty eyes*

Your manager: "If I find out who's doing this, the plumber's bill is coming out of their paycheck!"

You: *runs away and hides in work wife's cubicle*


The Real Reason You Prefer Working Out Of The Conference Room Is Because It Has The Perfect Selfie Lighting

You tell your boss it's because the conference room is more "quiet" and allows you to be more "productive" and "efficient" and "focus on business." But the work wife knows it's actually because you're taking selfies for Instagram.


Your Computer Didn't Really Break In The Middle Of The Workday

It froze while you were watching an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians and you were scared of getting caught, so you unplugged everything and screwed it all up.