This past year has added a little something to my morning routine: I'll wake up, hit snooze, wake again, curse the fact it's still 2017, stretch out, and check President Trump's Twitter account. It's a bracing task: Will the leader of the free world have plunged us into nuclear war? Slut-shamed a female senator? Worse still, will he have called Meryl Streep "overrated"?
Like me, you probably have a catalog of Trump tweets etched into your mind. Opening Twitter each morning is a game of Russian roulette: Describing the world's most unstable leader as "short and fat"! Unabashed sexism and racism! Lying about everything from crowd sizes to the nation's pre-eminent newspaper! Endorsements of accused child molesters! A mish-mash of madness and formal announcements when John Kelly takes his phone away! Covfefe!
Why not translate these tweets into a less hysterical medium? We've been through a lot this year. We deserve a break. So I asked Katherine Furman, the author of Emoji Pride And Prejudice and Emoji Phantom Of The Opera, both illustrated by Chuck Gonzales, to translate Trump's most unforgettable tweets of 2017 into — you guessed it — emoji poetry.
Without further ado: Please enjoy a trip to an alternative reality in which, instead of nonsensical ramblings, Donald Trump tweeted poetry... using emoji.
How To Play
Each headline is a clue.
You can see the original tweet by rolling the toggle tool at the bottom right of each tweet toward the left.
(The quiz goes best with a glass of wine and a wistfulness for a simpler time.)
1. When He Casually Slut-Shamed A Colleague
2. That Time He Shut Down The Right To Protest
3. This One Triggered An Actual Investigation
4. Setting The Tone For His Presidency Before It Even Began
5. In Trump's Head, This Counts As Building Bridges
6. When Those Mean Women Made Him Sad
7. Never Forget When He Went After A Goddess
8. Did He Really Have To Drag Chelsea Into It?
9. This Was His Weirdest Nemesis To Date
10. One Year After The Election, He's Still Living In 2016
11. When He Gave Your Racist Uncle A Boost
12. That Time He Defended Bernie... Kind Of
13. The Senseless Tweet That Sparked A Thousand Memes
14. When He Compared The Russian Probe To, Uh, Salem
15. None Of Us Will Ever Forget This One
16. Arnold, I'm Always Watching (Your Ratings)
17. Who Cares If We Get Dragged Into A Nuclear War, Anyway!
18. I Would Give Up My Firstborn To Never Hear This Again
19. That Time He Forgot What Judges Do
20. When John Kelly Took His Phone Away For New Year
21. Hand-Delivering The News From Cuba
22. After Kim Jong-Un Hurt His Feelings
23. When He Framed His Tweets As Revolutionary
24. You Already Know "Failing" Is In Here
Editor's Note: This op-ed does not reflect the views of BDG Media and is part of a larger, feminist discourse on today's political climate.