It was 90 degrees in New York City last week, and while it's cooled down to a more seasonally appropriate 71 degrees today, all that back sweat reminded me that summer is indeed coming, and soon. So it is with great pleasure, then, that I present to you this pair of kiddie pools for grownups, which promise to keep you, me, and all our buddies nice and cool when the air is as thick as a gym sauna. If you don't live on the East Coast and have considered moving here, DO NOT ATTEMPT. DO NOT CROSS GO.
The adult-sized, adult-appropriate kiddie pools come courtesy of luxury pool float makers FUNBOY, who launched their new 2018 FUNBOY Adult Splash Pools line just in time for flip flop and margarita season. The pools are massive — one boasts enough room for two full-grown adults, while the other fits four — and are constructed in Venice Beach, California, so you know they are certified c*o*o*l.
Up first in the Adult Splash Pool mini-collection is the Pink Heart Pool, now available on FUNBOY's website for $149. That baby is the aforementioned two-person fun time brigade, shaped like a double-stacked heart and colored a shocking pink. The pool includes an integrated drain plug at the bottom, and inflates in only two minutes, so you can turn your roof into a backyard pool party whenever you want/until your landlord catches you and threatens you with eviction, but whatever, you have a pool! Here it is:
The second pool is the Retro Convertible Splash Pool, now available for $269 on Funboy's website, and it's basically the Barbie pool I always wanted. Remember the Barbie Dream Camper Playset? It was a hot pink van that could carry around Barbie and her friends? Or the Barbie Dream Boat, which also had a pool? And the Barbie Splish 'n Splash Pool? I didn't have any of those thins in part because my mother only let us have "educational" Barbies that were astronauts or doctors, ugh, and astronauts don't have time to hang out with their friends in pool sets. But occasionally I would bring Barbie in the tub with me, and then her hair would get all soapy and gross and eventually I'd pull her head off and throw it out.
But enough about me, more about the pool!!! It's a four-person monstrosity shaped like a shocking pink convertible. It's over nine feet long and six feet wide, and comes with DUAL CUP HOLDERS, so you can booze and lounge and pool just like you paid for a fancy rooftop hotel and didn't just plunk the inflatable thing on Grand Avenue and pray the cops don't see it. Like the heart-shaped pool, this one has an integrated plug at the bottom and inflates in two minutes. LOOK AT IT.
Sure, I can never afford a car, but I can definitely afford a pool — provided, of course, I don't get fined for that aforementioned sidewalk-plunking. And FUNBOY's got some other fun floaties on their website, like this super fancy gold floaty collection, this floating rainbow unicorn drink holder (which can't possibly be necessary but is certainly exciting!), and this extremely unique and vaguely frightening mermaid float. FUNBOY also sells towels and wine, so it's basically a full-service swim shop, which makes sense, since from what I understand from all my friends who defected to California, Los Angeles is just summer all the time. TAKE ME TO THERE, at least when it gets cold here and I have to hide one of these pools someplace in my closet-less apartment, though for now I'm stoked to ride out summer.