Spoilers ahead for Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season 6, Episode 2 This week's episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine asks audiences, "What if Hitchcock and Scully were total babes when they were younger?" Yes, the bumbling, lazy oafs that consume troubling amounts of dairy despite being lactose intolerant used to be hotties. Not just that, but the duo used to be a regular golden boys, putting away bad guys like it was their job (because it was). And fortunately for viewers, we get to see Hitchcock and Scully on Brooklyn Nine-Nine in their glory days, which proves that time really does change everything.
Internal Affairs is looking into one of the pair's old cases, and Holt requests that Jake and Boyle do their own investigation to see if they're doing due diligence. Peralta readily agrees, telling his captain, "Oh, so you're asking if we can open a portal to the wet and wild 1980s to investigate the bizarre lives of these magnificent dodos? I believe it was a young Barack Obama who said, 'Yes we can.'"
And what an investigation it proves to be. Back in 1986, Hitchcock and Scully busted a mafia boss named Gio Costa for running cocaine, using his wife, Marissa, as an informant. And when the present-day duo tell Jake and Charles that they were the studs of the Nine-Nine, the younger men don't believe them — until they see an old photo in their case file. Boyle's only response is "Mee-oow!" which Jake echoes.
Here's everything we learned about Hitchcock and Scully.
They Had Some Metal Nicknames
In a flashback from their time on their force, we learn that they duo had some truly inspired monikers. "Hey, anybody have a trash can?" Scully asks the precinct, suavely. "'Cause Flattop and The Freak are bringing in some garbage." Presumably Scully is Flattop and Hitchcock is The Freak, but then again, these two are full of surprises.
They Were Smooth Talkers
Young Hitchcock and Scully were both charming and eloquent, saying things like, "Thank you kindly, little lady," and "Our pleas" (which is short for pleasure, obviously). They drank whiskey neat, went to the gym twice a day, and had abs upon abs. This, contrasted against present-day Hitchcock, who tells Jake after the Slut Sauce doubles as a bullet-proof vest, "You bet your nips it did, skid-mark."
Young Hitchcock Was The Most "Bang-able"
Although Jake and Charles are supposed to be figuring out what really happened with the pair's 23-year-old case, Peralta's most pressing question is which member of the duo was the most "bang-able." "Young Hitchcock," Boyle replies, without missing a beat. "Total smoke show." His partner agrees, speculating as to how these two great police detectives turned into men who now engineer ways to remain in their office chairs to pee and actively avoid work of any kind.
They Were Really Good At Their Jobs
It's been implied in previous episodes that Scully and Hitchcock used to be impressive policemen, but it's still shocking to see the pair successfully pull off a sting, engage in a fight, and arrest a major mob boss. As a side note, do you remember when Scully got a wart that covered the bottom of his entire foot?
They Were Actually Nice Guys
Through a series of unfortunate events, which involves Jake and Boyle getting locked inside Hitchcock's van (which is called the Beaver Trap!!), they discover that the two detectives gave some money from the job to Gio Costa's wife. She'd been screwed over by their captain and wasn't put in witness protection, they explain, and the men wanted to make sure she was taken care of. It was a noble thing to do, and Jake is relieved to find that they aren't devious double-agents.
Wing Slutz Took Them Down
But that still doesn't explain where it all went wrong for the two "magnificent dodos," as Jake calls them. Fortunately, we get to see their turning point in a flashback: The two hotties stopped by to check on their informant, Marissa Costa, who had started working at a chain called Wing Slutz. She offered them some chicken to nourish their "hard bodies," and as soon as they sunk their perfect mouths into those wings, their eyes opened in realization, and there was no going back.
Although it's sad to think how much time has changed the two men, they seem quite content with their lives. They're best friends, they like their jobs, and they can rest easy knowing that Marissa is safe. So here's to you, Scully and Hitchcock! May your Slut Buckets be overflowing, your paperwork straightforward, and your work naps long and peaceful.