How To Hook Up At A Zoom Party

Courtesy of Griffin Wynne

If Tyra Banks were narrating your quarantine love life, she'd say, "flatten the curve, but make it flirty." From entering a private chat to picking a sexy virtual background, knowing how to hook up a Zoom party can feed your sexual appetite from a healthy distance.

Picture this: You scored an invite to the hottest event of the season. 60 outfit changes and a chugged Red Bull later, you're ready to go. As you stand in the corner chatting with friends, you notice a total stud walk through the front door, holding a six-pack your favorite type of sour beer. And guess what? They're totally checking you out.

You make your way toward your crush, playfully bumping into them and striking up a conversation. Within minutes, you're swapping childhood stories, sharing your favorite movies, and confessing your dreams for the future. Then they touch your arm, you give them a sultry look, and know it's go-time. You pull them into a bedroom and start to get to know them better. Naked.

If you're currently self-isolating, know that your days of spontaneous hookups are in no way in the past. You can 100% recreate this experience virtually at your next Zoom party — here's how.

1. Get Ready To Go Out

After taking a hot shower and using your favorite coconut moisturizer, make a Zoom account. Choose a profile picture that makes you feel cute. DM the host for the meeting code, the same way you would for the address of a house party. You may not be leaving your bedroom, but that doesn't mean you won't bring it tonight.

2. Hit It Off With A Cutie

You're at the party. You're looking good in your webcam. You're working the (chat)room. Just then, a new person enters the Zoom. They're hot, cracking non-stop puns, and holding a giant contain of buffalo dip that they made themselves this morning (swoon). You make eye-contact, and sparks start to fly.

3. Start A Private Chat With Them

You flirt openly in the all-group chat with your new crush, before deciding to take it some place more private. Opening up a chat with them, you let them know you'd like to get to know them better. (And maybe swap some sexy, consensual pics.)

4. Ask The Host To Put You In A Breakout Room

If you want to move to a private video chat with your date, have your host create a "Breakout Room" (more like makeout room, am I right???) for the two of you. This means that you and your date can have your own private video chat outside of the party, but can return at any point. (It's also 100 times less awkward that asking an IRL party host if you can hook up with someone in literal bedroom.)

5. Go On Record (Or Don't!)

Before you dive into your virtual hookup, it's imperative to go on the record about the role of recording. If you're not totally comfortable or completely into being recorded, tell your hookup that they can either live in the moment with you, or hit the road (read: the search bar). If someone is recording you, you'll see a red circle with "Recording..." in the top left corner and know it's time to call it quits.

6. Share A Sexy Playlist

Once in your private video chat, ask your date if they want to listen to a little mood music. You can use my Sexi Zoom Tunes playlist if you need some inspiration. You're welcome!

7. Change Your Background

To really feel like you and your date are in the same place, you can even change your virtual background to the same image. On the bottom left corner, you'll see a small microphone that says small video camera that says "Stop Video." Click the arrow to the right of of the video camera then select "Choose a Virtual Background..." You can use one of Zoom's photos or upload your own!

("Tonight, we're getting frisky in outer space.")

8. Do Your Thing!

After clearly discussing consent and your intentions, (if this is a one-time thing, if you're seeing anyone else, etc.), use your breakout room to masturbate together as you watch ethical porn together, do a sexy striptease, or dirty talk. As long as what you're doing is pleasurable, there's no one right way to remotely get down.

9. Go Back To The Party (Or Don't!)

When you've had your fill of sexy time or you're just ready to be back at the party, you can "exit" the breakup room and head right back into the big group video chat. Of course, if you're ready for bed or want to keep privately chatting with your new flame all night you can exit the bigger party at any point, too.

And just like that, you've turned up the heat while flattening the curve.