Martha Stewart's Egg Cooking Hack Involves A Coffee Steamer

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Brace yourselves, egg consumers. For some reason (I can only assume that god has given up with this and we live in a lawless wilderness), Martha Stewart has graced us with the grossest of all gross hacks. No, not making your pepper out of ground up cockroaches. No, not cleaning the inside of the toilet bowl with your tongue to save money. It's worse — far worse. Martha Stewart wants you to make your scrambled eggs with a coffee steamer, because nothing matters anymore, apparently. The internet is cancelled forever, thank you for your service.

How did an abomination like this happen? It all started out normal and fine. Stewart was on the Food Network talking about how to make scrambled eggs — I'm on board. She suggests a recipe with a couple of eggs, butter, salt, and pepper — all totally normal, non-vomit inducing things. But then, for some reason, she suggests that you mix them altogether in some kind of jar and then use the hot air from a coffee steamer — THE ONES YOU USE TO MAKE YOUR LATTES — and use that to sort of steam-scramble the eggs. And then, seemingly, you just go back to using it to make coffee. Right. Sure.

Also, how many people own an actual coffee maker with a steamer and everything? Do they live in a Starbucks? Maybe I'm out of step with the times, but this doesn't feel like an actual hack, more like a way to ruin a very expensive coffee maker that your rich aunt got you for a birthday like three years ago.

It's not the kind of thing you get over in a hurry — or ever. Luckily, the rest of the internet seemed to be as effing confused as I am. "I don’t think I’ve ever been so offended/disgusted in my life," one user wrote. "Nope. Just no." I mean, I'm someone who has made scrambled eggs in a mug in the microwave and I still think that this is, frankly, disgusting. I don't know what Martha Stewart or the Food Network were thinking, but you can check out the whole video and see if you agree.

In the meantime, there are plenty of breakfast hacks out there that actually, you know, make your breakfast better. You can make your scrambled eggs with sour cream or even sparkling wine. You can use bacon as a bowl for your eggs to make perfect bite-sized pieces. You can do the greatest breakfast of hack all and just go out for breakfast and have someone else cook the whole damn thing for you. What you don't have to do — what you don't ever have to do — is disrespect your coffee maker by clagging it up with scrambled eggs.

The internet has some great tricks out there and some hacks that are so bad we love to hate them. This is neither of those. I don't love to hate this, I just straight up hate it. You and your eggs deserve far, far better.