Should I Live Alone? Here Are 11 Awesome Reasons To Take The Pants-Free Plunge
Living alone is something every woman should experience at least once in her life. There is no splendid bliss quite like farting with complete abandon. Unfettered flatulence is just one of the many things we love about living alone — and believe you me, this list is a long one.
Aside from the sheer joy that comes with having your own living space, being by yourself is something to experience merely because it teaches you how to get by on your own. Living alone taught me valuable life lessons like how to pay bills on time (or what to say to the strangers who call you and ask for money because they're about to shut off your electricity), how to kill a bug with really long objects so you don't have to get close to it, and how not every noise you hear means someone is trying to break into your home so they can kill you.
Now, all this isn't to dismiss the fun you can have while living with someone else. After living with a sibling followed by a friend followed by my partner, I can wholeheartedly vouch for the delight that is living with another person. Unless you hate each other. But that's another story.
1. Dirty Dishes? I Don't See Any Dirty Dishes
According to the voices in my head, you technically don't need to do dishes until you run out of clean stuff to eat off of; and even then, the rules are fuzzy. Counters and coffee tables are believed to make excellent surfaces to eat off of.
2. Friday Night? Yes, You Should Absolutely Spend It Reading And Getting Wine Drunk
Fine. Maybe you already committed to meeting the #squad at the bar for drinks and gossip; but... I don't know... you're looking a little pale. Are you coming down with something? Do you think you might be contagious? I know what you've got: it's called Iwouldratherstayhome-itis, and the only cure it cheapo Trader Joe's white wine and a Nicholas Sparks novel.
3. Forget Closing The Bathroom Door — In Fact, Remove It Completely
There is nothing as liberating as using the toilet with the door wide open. What's the big deal, anyway? We all do it. This is one of the many milestones in a woman's life: your first period, losing your virginity, marriage, peeing with the door open. Do it, girl, and be proud.
4. Binge Watch Like Your Life Depends On It
When you live with another person, you have to at least pretend you have a life. You have to read books, socialize, clean things, put a bra on. One does not simply spend countless in front of the TV with this month's Netflix selections, lest one might receive strange looks. But when you live alone? Oh-ho. Crawl into your recliner with a bag of Cheetos and let the episodes roll.
5. Save A Glass — Drink From The Carton
"Proper," "etiquette," and "manners" are ugly words people made up to make others feel bad about being themselves. When you refrain from drinking from a glass, you don't have to wash it afterward, which means you save water, which makes you an environmentalist. People give awards to people like you.
6. No Pants? No Problem
No pants are the best pants; and you can go bottomless — or topless — whenever TF you want, because you live alone. Have a no pants dance-off with yourself. Do it. It'll feel so good. Life is too short for pants.
7. Go On, Girl — Eat Pizza Rolls For Dinner For The Second Night In A Row
Nobody will judge you. Wanna know why? It's because you live alone and nobody knows WTF you eat every night. Win! While you're at it, sh*t, finish off that pint of Ben & Jerry's. Why are you grabbing a bowl? Stop. People who live alone don't need to eat out of bowls. I know. I know. It's amazing.
8. Heck Yes, You Can Leave Halloween Decorations Up All Year Long
Yes, you should definitely spend your entire paycheck on Halloween decorations from Michael's and Target and then hang them up and then leave them up, because people who live alone can do stuff like that.
9. Sharing Is Not Caring Because You Don't Have To Share
Sharing is for weenies. Your Netflix picks? Your grocery store purchases? The bed? Yours. All yours. Binge watch Game of Thrones. Buy your favorite flavor of Pop Tarts and enjoy every last one. Sleep in the middle of the bed and LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST.
10. You Could Have A Different Nightly Visitor Every Day Of The Week, For All We Care
Just be careful that Monday's suitor doesn't show up at your front door on Wednesday. Wednesday's suitor would not be pleased, unless they're into that sort of thing.
11. Do It... Tweeze That Stray Brow Hair... Nobody's Watching...
Enjoy this beautiful moment while it lasts — because once you live with someone, tweezing and plucking and popping and shaving are things you need to pretend you never have to do because, "Ew! OMG. That's, like, sooooooo gross." Give me a break.