A busy news week can generally be counted on to lead to one piece of comedic refreshment at the end of it: Saturday Night Live. This week's SNL cold open had Trump's medical exam to cover, in addition to the Women's March, the one-year anniversary of Trump's inauguration, and the scandal about the Trump team allegedly paying off a porn star to keep her from sharing the story of an affair she reportedly had with the president (both sides deny that the affair took place).
SNL actress Aidy Bryant kicked it off in her role as White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders by blowing through statements about the Women's March and the government shutdown. "A million women strong, out there to celebrate the president’s first kick-ass year in office. We did it, girls!" SNL's Sanders said. This directly mirrors President Trump's tweet about the 2018 Women's March, in which he seemed to claim that it was a celebration of his first year in office.
"Beautiful weather all over our great country, a perfect day for all Women to March," Trump wrote on Twitter. "Get out there now to celebrate the historic milestones and unprecedented economic success and wealth creation that has taken place over the last 12 months. Lowest female unemployment in 18 years!"
Her next target was the government shutdown, which Republicans (including Trump) have been blaming on Democrats even though they hold a majority in both houses of Congress and in the White House. "If you want to blame somebody for the shutdown, blame Senator Chuck Schumer, hashtag 'Schumer shutdown,'" the SNL White House press secretary said. "Please let's get it trending, guys." On Twitter, Sanders and the White House account have actually managed to get "Schumer shutdown" trending, which places all of the blame on Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer.
Once Bryant's Sanders had run through those issues, she called the next key character to the stage: official White House doctor Ronny Jackson, this time portrayed by SNL's Beck Bennett. "And now, onto the most important news of the week: I have again asked White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson to come out here and tell you about how not fat the president is," she said.
The evaluation of President Trump's health that Bennett's Jackson gives, then, draws heavily on the president's own penchant for hyperbole. "Once again, this is the president's unbiased, 100 percent accurate health assessment," Bennett's Jackson begins, before launching into a list of his supposed findings.
According to Bennett's Jackson, the president's age is "71 years and seven months young." His "resting heart rate was a cool 68 BPM." He weighs in at "a very svelte 239 pounds." Trump possesses a "gorgeous, 44-inch coke-bottle waist," and his height is "75 inches with legs that — well, they seem to go on forever." His shoe size is 12, Jackson says, so "you can fill in the blanks there" — a throwback reference to the moment on the campaign trail when Trump defended the size of his genitals in a Republican primary debate.
"It's my expert medical opinion," SNL's Jackson concludes, "that the president's got a rockin' bod, with the perfect amount of cushion for the pushin' ... and if given the chance I would."
Bennett's Jackson then has to face questions from the SNL White House pool about whether the measurements were fabricated, the president's mental fitness, whether the president actually had done better on the mental fitness exam than any other president before him, and the allegations about Trump and Stormy Daniels. Finally, one of the reporters assembled asks the question on everybody's mind: "I'm sorry, all this information just sounds pretty ridiculous. You don't expect us to really believe this, right?"
At that point, Bryant has to step back in as Sanders to clear things up. "Okay, you heard the doctor," she says. "The president has passed every exam we gave him. Physical exam. Mental exam. The Tide Pod Challenge? Crushed it." Before officially starting off the show, she attempts to turn the attention back to the ongoing government shutdown. When the next new episode airs on Jan. 27, you'll have to wait and see what Bryant has to reckon with as Sanders in the coming week.