As their co-stars romped around Northern California on Monday’s Vanderpump Rules, Stassi, Katie, Kristen, and Scheana did their own romping over on the other side of the country. Yes, the Pump Rules Montauk trip we've been hearing about for forever is finally underway. So far, this excursion has given us nautical stripes, green tea shots, a tense conversation about a straw that wasn't supposed to be thrown out, skinny dipping, and Stassi begging a seagull to crap on her. We are off to a terrific start.
After they unloaded their suitcases in their hotel rooms and steamed their striped linen shorts, the four Pumpers traipsed on out to the beach right outside their suites and settled into some beach chairs. Once Stassi, Kristen, and Katie were done rolling their eyes at Scheana’s drinking straw decree, the topic of significant others came up... much to the chagrin of newly single Stassi. Stassi was not happy about her own relationship status, and being on a birthday trip with her married friend, her affianced friend, and her fake-engaged friend only made her think about her recent breakup even more. In an effort to bring some levity to the conversation, Stassi made a joke about Kristen’s prank engagement ring. Kristen volleyed back with a comment about Stassi not having a boyfriend. The entire beach fell silent. And then, Stassi started to sob. And laugh through the sobs. And sob some more.
As her friend wept on the beach chair next to her, Katie pointed out a seagull flying overhead. She wanted the gull to defecate on Stassi right then and there. You know, for luck.
Desperate for any good fortune that might fall her way, Stassi looked up at the bird as it continued to soar through the clear blue, nautical striped sky. She closed her eyes, reached into her own heart, and retrieved a plea.
“Sh*t on me please,” Stassi begged the bird. “Why won’t you sh*t on me?”
But the seagull never pooped on Stassi. Instead, it hurtled past the Pumpers, past all of the unattended bread baskets out on the tables at the yacht club restaurant, and toward something shiny a few miles down the beach. The gull had heard tell of a fake engagement ring that'd washed up on the shore, and it wanted to be the first bird to get its beak on it.
"It'd really jazz up my abode," the gull told itself. "It'd turn it into the Sexy Unique Nest I've always wanted it to be."