Ma might have her kerchief and you might have your cap, but the things you'll be hanging by the fire with the most care this year are Party Flasks' boozy Christmas stockings, which can hold three full bottles of wine at a time. Love them or tolerate them, the holidays are a stressful season, especially now that American politics, which always come up despite everyone's best attempts to avoid the subject, are the conversational equivalent of a Reagan-era active minefield. Listening to your uncle list all the ways millennials are ruining society would test anyone's patience — unless you fortify that patience with booze. Lots and lots of booze. Sure, there are probably healthier coping mechanisms, but you can leave those until the new year.
Enter Party Flasks' latest offering, the Santa Flask. The idea is simple: Take a traditional Christmas stocking. Make it leak-proof. Add a spigot, et voila! You now have a seasonally-appropriate dispenser for all your alcohol-related needs. As long as you offer her a drink, Grandma can't even complain about it ruining her holiday decor.
According to Party Flask, each Santa Flask holds 2.25 liters of liquid (read: alcohol). Given that a standard wine bottle is three-quarters of a liter, that means the Santa Flask can hold about three bottles of wine at once. If you're having the kind of holiday that requires something a little stronger, a handle of liquor is usually 1.75 liters, so you can fit an entire bottle of your preferred alcohol and a mixer into the sock.
Or just more liquor. Whatever (safely) floats your boozy boat.
Imagine the possibilities. If you walk into a holiday office party with the Santa Flask in tow, you'll be greeted with more joy than the man with the bag himself. Bring it to a White Elephant party, and your present will be fought over throughout the night. Most importantly, after centuries of hard work delivering presents to sleeping children around the world, Santa can indulge in a little slap-the-bag with Dancer and Vixen when he visits your house on Christmas Eve this year. Just maybe keep the stocking, which is plastic and filled with flammable liquid, away from any actual fire.
To go with your gigantic seasonal flask, you may want to look into the alcoholic advent calendars that have started popping up online in the past few years. Instead of the traditional chocolates and sweets opened every day until Christmas, these calendars offer a variety of tiny bottles of spirits, beer, or wine. It won't fill up your Santa Flask, of course, but the idea is to gift yourself with different kinds of alcohol throughout the month. The holidays truly are the most wonderful time of the year.
In a totally unsurprising turn of events, these advent calendars have proven wildly popular. Last year, Virgin Wines' calendar, which cost about $105, sold out entirely, and you can find plenty of tutorials for making them on Pinterest. Last year, one distillery even sold an advent calendar of old and rare whiskeys worth more than $10,000 — the perfect gift for a friend who has everything, from a friend who also has everything (in offshore bank accounts).
While Christmas is never quite the same once you learn that St. Nicholas is more fiction than fact, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy them — especially once you're old enough to drink. Judging from the sheer variety of alcoholic seasonal gifts out there, holidays and booze go together like Santa's milk and cookies. If you're interested in the Santa Flask, which I trust you are, it's available on Amazon for $20.