This 16-Foot-Tall Snoopy Is Basically A Parade Float For Your Yard

Hammacher Schlemmer is selling huge inflatable Snoopy lawn decorations.
Hammacher Schlemmer

Attention all other holiday yard decorations, bow before your god: this 16-foot inflatable Snoopy decoration that will turn your lawn into the Peanuts shine it ought to be. ‘Tis the season to worship at the feet of a giant Snoopy.

Appropriately dubbed The Colossal Inflatable Snoopy, this humongous Peanuts product comes courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer, a retailer and catalog company that’s apparently like Sky Mall on X Games mode. The 16-foot Snoopy is available exclusively via the company, lest you think you were going to show up at a Target and ask for, “One big Snoopy to go, please.”

This Honey, I Blew Up The Snoopy, per the product description, “is dressed for the season with a festive green sweater, red scarf, and classic Santa hat, while he holds his friend Woodstock in his right paw.” In this alternate universe you’re creating in your front yard, Woodstock is also huge, making him about a four-foot-tall bird. (Or maybe in the Peanuts universe, everyone is extremely tall? Maybe Charlie Brown is, like, 20 feet tall???) Unless you live in a mansion, Snoopy will stand taller or about as tall as your home, greeting guests and passersby with his huge grin. Is it menacing? Is it welcoming? Is it going to make you rethink how you watch A Charlie Brown Christmas forever?

If you’re worried about the world feasting its eyes in your big, big Snoopy at in the dark, fear not. It comes with interior lights that illuminate him at night. It also comes with stakes and tethers to “prevent him from wandering off to his doghouse,” as the product description states. *laughs nervously*

How much must you sacrifice to buy such a Snoopy? Your firstborn? Your house and home? Why just $399.95. Yes, for about $400, you too can turn your yard into...the same yard you had before but now there’s a big Snoopy in it. The inflatable also comes with a “Lifetime Guarantee” which, in addition to replacing or refunding items that “fail to meet your expectations,” I’m going to assume means “a lifetime guarantee that your home will forever be referred to as that house.”

Of course, a huge Snoopy is not the only inflatable you can decorate your lawn with this holiday season. If you want to absolutely ruin the holidays, Hammacher Schlemmer also sells an 18-foot Frosty the Snowman. While big boi Snoopy has no reviews as of yet, if he’s anything like big boi Frosty the Snowman, he’ll be a hit. One five-star review for Frosty states, “HUGE AND IMPRESSIVE...GREAT SHOW!” Another has the subject line “yes” and reads, in its entirety, “Working great so far.” This could and should be read in a maniacal voice like, “Heh heh, yes, my plan is working great so far.”

I am of the opinion that huge yard inflatables are the decorative version of the speakers-blown-out-distorted sound which I fully mean as a compliment. They are gross and hilarious and I cannot stop looking at them. There is a 2006 piece for the New York Times talking about whether they’re festive or foul because of course there is. There is a Times piece for everything. One person called them “appalling,” adding “It’s bad enough to see those things on Halloween. At Christmas, they rise to a level of tackiness that is horrible.” Another said, “The children must enjoy it, but we were noticing how when they’re deflated, these things look like trash.” To which the appalled interviewee added, “Or dead bodies.” OK, Boomer.

If you’re a fan of the lawn inflatable or want to upset your neighbors, you will not be lack for choice. Home Depot has an 11-foot fuzzy Reindeer decoration and a giant inflatable Christmas Vacation RV. Target also has a life-size Buddy the Elf inflatable, which is equal parts adorable and disturbing. ‘Tis the season, or something like that.