Way too many people worry about how much sex they "should" be having, but the truth is, it just doesn't matter. "A healthy sex drive is different for each person," Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Bustle. "Overall, it's when we feel balanced in our desire (it feels good to us, as opposed to something being off whether too high or low) and sexually fulfilled whether it's alone or with a partner."
That being said, I think it's natural to be curious about how your sex life compares to other people. And now you can. Slate has come up with an interactive calculator that shows how your sex rates compare to the rest of the country's. They used data from the General Social Survey, a nationally representative survey of Americans which takes place every other year— they looked at 2000-2014. And it's self-reported, meaning, you know, people can lie. But still, it gives us a rough idea of the frequency with which people are doing it. And they made it easy to compare. You just put in your age, how often you have sex, and whether it's with a regular partner. Then, presto — they give you the result which, they rightfully point out, doesn't matter. It's all about what's working for you.
But I was clearly curious, so I put in my own data:
Please ignore the fact that I turned 30 two days ago. Let's focus on the sex instead. The result?
Boom. Doing it a lot. But that didn't surprise me, considering I'm in a relationship and have a high sex drive. I also put in the data for my college-aged self, to see how she fared.
It wasn't that I didn't want to, but it was a feast or famine situation— sometimes were way better than others. Still, I estimated it came out to about once a month.
Not so high of a score this time, but oh well! Like I said— and Slate says— the frequency really doesn't matter.
So What Should You Be Focusing On If Not Frequency?
Well, whether or not you're both getting what you need. "In relationships, I find that whatever the level of desire between two people, it's important that they stay connected," Levine says. "For some that may mean kissing and cuddling and others that may be hot adventurous sex." What works for you is more important than beating the average.
It's natural to be curious about the sex lives of other people — I certainly am. So sure, take a look, but just don't fret about it. Because it really doesn't matter.