I know what you might be thinking. Haunted? Pfft! That's ridiculous. But even if you don't believe in ghosts, there was something quite creepy about the house that author/poet Olivia Cole took a tour of along with her husband. For some of us that don't believe in the supernatural, being thoroughly weirded out is enough to cut your losses — even if there is a big closet and jacuzzi tub in the master bath. To anyone planning to make a big move or buy their first home like Cole, there is something to be gleaned from this disturbing tour. Luckily, Olivia Cole tweeted about her haunted house experience!
It's quite normal that while scrolling through her twitter thread recanting the tale, that you get a big of the heebie jeebies. Not only did she encounter doors that led to nowhere, but some had no key without further explanation. Yes, you read that right. Coming from a Afro-Caribbean culture that will readily grab the sage or lead a prayer at the first sign of trouble — or sometimes both — even my nonchalance for the spirit world was thoroughly shaken.
As Twitter would have it, at the very least, the story is hilariously creepy in what Cole calls her "white woman moment."
So I may have done the whitest thing imaginable today. I never thought I would be this white woman.— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
But here we are. Join me for this story
The story starts where they find the "gloomy" house on the couple's search for the perfect first home. It was raining, but Cole's husband definitely noticed that something wasn't right.
We really want more space so have been checking out rental homes. Today we saw this cute older house. A bungalow. I was all pic.twitter.com/w8N5hBgH8N— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
In the movies, there's usually an appeal to why a couple would be sane enough to buy something with unwanted guests. In this case, it's a combination of new house hunt jitters and the cuteness attached to the word "bungalow."
It rained last night so the outside is a little gloomy. Older house. Wet stone. My husband is like "Eh it's a little creepy." pic.twitter.com/iHHpG7NCYq— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
At this point, you might think her husband is just being skeptical. But somewhere in the book of "How To Not Buy A Haunted House" is written somewhere about instincts; trust them in yourself and the people you love.
I'm all "No! it's just rainy! It's cute!" So the agent starts giving us the tour.— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
First thing we notice is this weird grate thing inside.
Again, somewhere in that playbook or if you watch enough movies is the initial sign that it's a bad idea. In that case, it would be best to turn around and head the other way. Just like in an episode of American Horror Story, the protagonist ignores all of them.
I say "we." No. My *husband* noticed. I was admiring the crown moulding and he was like "Um, what is this?" *points*— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Then, enter stage left, a series of unexplainable and odd encounters.
Another telltale sign that you should get the hell out of your current situation is if the person showing you the home can't answer your questions, tries to downplay your discovery, or responds with the following: "Oh, it's just the _____" or "Hmm ... I never noticed ____." At this point, the signs will keep coming. Don't ignore them!
Agent: "Oh that's just the return vent for the AC."— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Me: "Oh okay!"
Husband: "Why does it look like the bars to a dungeon?"
To Cole's credit, the crown moulding was probably beautiful.
We move along in the tour. We check out the kitchen. It's tiny and I cook a lot, so even I was like, "hmm." Husband notices something.— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Oh, look. Another sign that goes ignored! As a an aside, Cole's meme game is tested and proven. She is, in fact, a comedian.
"What are these scratches on the window?"— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Agent: "Oh, I think it's tough to open so probably a little wear and tear."
Me: "Oh okay!"
Another common thread in (insert your favorite exorcism movie) is denial. If your partner is suffering from this key ingredient to disaster, get ready because it's about to get worse.
We check out the upstairs. Perfect room for a nursery. Master bedroom is smallish, but nice big closet. Me right now: pic.twitter.com/Em1NQ2msmW— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
If you aren't #TeamMr.Cole at this point, you either aren't buying any of this or are also in denial. In the latter case, you might be doomed. Also, does no one think that this agent came just a little unprepared?
Husband *inspecting closet*: "Um...what is this little door inside the closet?"— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Agent: "What little door? Oh. I didn't notice that." pic.twitter.com/PIk60dCYMY
OK, you're maybe not doomed. But when you finally start to wake up, this is the opportune time to get out!
Husband opens the door. It's a tiny dark room.— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband looks at me, whispers: "It looks like that shit from Get Out, Olivia."
Me by now: pic.twitter.com/9c32VsbTNv
You guessed it! The creepy tour continues.
Agent: "Let's check out the basement next, shall we?"— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband: "I mean..."
We go to the basement.
This is a classic! Everyone knows you aren't supposed to go to the basement. The lesson here: Don't go to the basement.
It's very clean and not super dark. Lots of shelving. Couple chairs.— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
And a door in the very back.
It has three padlocks & a sliding lock.
*Inserts scary thriller music*
Husband immediately: "What does that door go to?"— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Agent quickly: "Oh, I don't think it goes anywhere. We don't have a key."
Listen up! Don't forget that you always have a choice. If you find yourself uncomfortable and with an agent that still can't give you reassuring answers, RUN!
Agent: "I think it goes to the backyard."— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband: "Why is it locked? With like 10 locks?"
You could say that it's never too late to high tail it out of there, but....
Agent: "Let's check out the backyard, shall we?"— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Husband: "Lord Jesus."
Now that the worst is assumed over, another tip to hold close is that this means something else is about to happen.
We go to the backyard. It's so cute. Rosebushes. Hostas and shit. Firepit.— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Me, forgetting about the door locked to keep the Devil out: pic.twitter.com/bZrS4DmeAh
There's a latticework thingy that hides the underside of the house. I see a door.— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Me: See? There's the door! It just goes to the backyard!
Usually, the person in denial tries to convince everyone else that they're just being paranoid. Don't believe them. Please.
Husband: You realize that door is on the opposite side of the basement. (points at blank wall) That's where the locked door should be.— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Right here with you, Mr. Cole.
And he was right. The door I was looking at had a window into the basement. The place where the Devil-locked door should have been was empty— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
If you've scrolled down to this point, and don't heed anything else, you should know that you shouldn't move into that house/apartment if you've experienced anything similar. Maybe you're paranoid or trying to side step a very unfortunate situation.
Agent: "We take online applications as well as paper. <goes over the details.>— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Still #TeamMr.Cole? Me too.
We get in the car. Drive away down the gray empty street. I say,— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
"So...what did you think?"
Unlike the movies that have made us all a little too paranoid, you have to admit that this a lot funnier than The Conjuring.
All of us have seen the movie where the white woman is making dumb ass decisions & ignoring EVERY SIGN OF THE DEVIL'S HANDIWORK.— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Well, everyone. Today. Today I was that white woman.— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
The devil almost got me for some goddamn rosebushes and a built-in china cabinet.
Better yet, use this informative thread as a warning to protect yourselves. Know the signs of when to flee, don't ignore subtle signs and certainly don't buy a home where the agent is unprepared and acting a little off.