The Sex Was Good. The Friendship Is Great.

The two couples have been at the dinner table for hours. There’s good food, inside jokes, and the usual chatter between old friends: vacation plans, family updates, the occasional good-spirited ribbing. The foursome met at a swingers resort — except tonight, they won’t have sex.

People get into ethical nonmonogamy (ENM) for lots of reasons, from wanting to explore new things in the bedroom to having an extra set of hands to help with dishes. And if it feels like it’s on the rise, that’s because it is — or at least, it’s being discussed more openly. According to a 2024 survey by Match, 31% of American singles have explored nonmonogamy, up from 21% in 2014.

But sometimes, sex isn’t the most fulfilling part. Last year, nonmonogamy nonprofit Open surveyed more than 6,000 ENM people and found that some respondents prioritized friendship and community over what happens in the bedroom.

Just like in monogamous dating, polyamorous people sometimes stay friends with their exes, or meet someone and skip straight to a platonic connection. For many, like-minded friends worth just as much as finding someone to take home.

From Swingers To Safari Buddies

Carole and Dave, both 63, weren’t seeking out swinging when they booked a trip to Cancún 18 years ago — they were just looking for a fun, adults-only escape. They stayed at a resort called Temptation, drawn to its promise of an open-minded, anything-goes atmosphere. While the hotel doesn’t explicitly market itself to those in the “lifestyle” (as it’s called), it’s well-known as a hot spot for swingers.

“We got chatting with this British couple on a beach bed next to us, and they told us about the lifestyle. We tried it with them and with another couple. It was a very successful vacation for us!” she says. After that, they never looked back. “Every experience we come away from makes us better, stronger.”

While sex is definitely a big draw, Carole stresses that friendship is actually the backbone of the community. “Some of our best friends we met through swinging, but we have never had sex with them,” she says. “When they started flirting with us and suggested that we get together for sex, I had to politely say no, thank you. I didn’t want to lead them on, or hurt their feelings, or lose them as friends.” It worked.

We could be free to be ourselves.

Other times, relationships turn platonic over time. Carole and Dave’s best friends were initially partners, but the physical side of the relationship was short-lived. “It’s not because we want to reject them,” she says. “But the fun thing about being a swinger is the variety. So we actually get together for dinner every week but just don’t have sex anymore.”

They’re also close to a couple they met through a travel company that caters specifically to the community. “We’ve been on a cruise down the Nile with them, on safari in Kenya,” Carole says. “We simply enjoyed traveling with like-minded people who wouldn’t get offended if we talked about sex, made sexual comments, or even sexual gestures,” she says. “We could be free to be ourselves.”

When their safari truck stopped to watch a flock of ostriches, the male put on an elaborate mating dance followed by a rather conspicuous anatomical reveal. “When he finished and pulled out, it stayed erect and hung down about a foot long,” Carole says. “Then he immediately turned to chase the next female with his pink neck, flapping wings, and everything else on display.” The group howled with laughter.

Big swinger events aren’t the free-for-all outsiders might expect. At 5,600 passengers, the Bliss Cruise is the largest lifestyle gathering in the world. Dave says the vibe is more cocktail hour than orgy. “People aren’t walking around just having sex with each other. They’re talking, having dinner. Most couples leave the ship with four or five new friends they’ll keep for a long time.”

Two Is The Loneliest Number?

Like Carole and Dave, many swingers are empty-nesters who finally have time for parties and travel. But for younger polyamorous people, the opposite problem can set in: Old friends drift as people get married and have kids.

When loneliness sets in, new partners can be the unexpected fix. “If you’re dating, you have to put yourself out there, whether that’s going to events or being on the apps, and you just make friends kind of organically,” says Poppy Scarlett, 34, a London-based polyamory coach and content creator. Intentionally pursuing typical friendships like that is far less common.

Scarlett and one of her partners started a bimonthly board game night called Non-Monopoly in London with the specific goal of sparking platonic connections. Around 100 to 150 poly folks come together to play and mingle. The event always sells out. “There’s a cliche that polyamorous people love board games, and it’s absolutely true,” she says, laughing. One pair who met there were even inspired to host their own social events for nonmonogamous folks.

Rethinking Relationships

“I always tell people, ‘Get you some friends,’” says Evita “Lavitaloca” Sawyers, a 44-year-old polyamory coach. “That’s the first thing that you need to be looking for.”

Sawyers often reminds their clients that a lower-pressure approach to dating can be fruitful. Going into a situation with the intent to form a sexual relationship can add unnecessary stress.

For Sawyers, friendship has been the most meaningful and fulfilling part of nonmonogamy. “I’m completely single right now,” they say. “But I have friends that I’ve had the whole 12 years. Those are the relationships that stood the test of time.”

Nonmonogamous pals can be useful for navigating the romantic side of things, too. “You can ask, ‘Am I being treated right here?’ Or sometimes to ask if you’re the one who's being totally unreasonable," Sawyers says.

At its core, polyamory is about rethinking relationships of all kinds. “It really does become a lens through which you view human connection overall, whether that’s romantic relationships, family connections, neighbors, or friends,” they say. Talk about friends with benefits.