Sex & Relationships

35 Funny Texts To Brighten Your Crush's Day

"My mom just asked me what 'snatched' means..."

Originally Published: 
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As we’re staring down the dawn of another cuffing season in the midst of a delta-driven Covid-19 spike, you may want to get to know your crush over text before linking up IRL. The good news? You don’t have to be TikTok’s “That Girl” to be the wittiest person in someone’s inbox. So if you’re looking to make someone laugh and get asked out in the process, these funny texts to send your crush are sure to win them over. What's that old saying? There's no time like a global pandemic to woo potential lovers with your clever one-liners.

If you've been texting a Hinge cutie for a while or your Slacks with your coworker are becoming a little more than business casual, you may be looking for the perfect message to make them smile. And while you can never go wrong with a cute selfie or a pic of your roommate's dog, delivering the perfect funny text can be a slam dunk on your road to romance.

From asking about Harry Style's reading list to poking fun at your bedroom decorations, here are 35 silly texts to send your crush.


How long did it take you to figure out what Ariana Grande meant by "34+35"? Be honest.

Longer than I'd care to admit.


Do you ever think about which of your friends is most likely to end up on Catfish?

Alternatively, who would be the grossest on Room Raiders?


If you were a sandwich, what sandwich would you be, and why is moving on so painful? Answer both questions simultaneously.

Does "tuna" suffice?


How am I supposed to get anything done if I'm not at an empty desk, surrounded by people that I don't care about, funneling cheap coffee? How's your WFH going?

I'm not going to lie — some days, I listen to "office sounds" compilations.


Drinking wine out of a Hydroflask counts as drinking water right?

It’s reusable!


Do you ever look around a party and wonder who has an electric toothbrush?

Manual can just see it all over their face.


I often wonder if I really am an "old soul" or just like ugly home decorations.

You can never have too much floral.


My mom just asked me what "snatched" means... Care to help me explain?

OK, where to begin?


I was nervous to text first, but Mary Oliver did not ask what I plan to do with my one wild and precious life for me to overanalyze the rules of texting.

The Summer Day? More like The Summer Text.


Some mornings I wake up, go downstairs to make myself some breakfast, and I think about how I don't miss my ex, but I really miss the fancy coffee grinder they had at their apartment.

The morning grind. Literally.


I didn't get it at first, but I just bought a shower speaker and a new fruity body wash, and I'm starting to understand why so many grown adults love Carly Rae Jepsen.

All I have to say is: Dedicated Side B.


How many Dolly Parton candles are too many? Asking for a friend.

Anywhere from nine to five is probably OK.


I thought I saw my old Classics professor at Whole Foods today, but it was just another thin man with a small mustache and canvas tote bag.

Buying bean sprouts and a single Lara bar.


Good morning to everyone except my old roommate, who took the bathroom trashcan with him when he moved out last week. I just used a Q-tip and then had to walk it over to my kitchen.

Why? Just, why?


Just groaned so hard during a work meeting that Zoom prompted me to unmute.

Don’t worry, the only person that heard me was my roommate’s dog.


Do you ever make a meal so good that you're a little sad to finish it because then it will be gone? I can't cook and just burned a Hot Pocket in the microwave, but I imagine what it would be like to be able to cook well.

Burning a Hot Pocket is easier than it sounds.


I can't talk right now. I'm deciding if I want to buy my baby niece a pair of tiny Air Force 1s.

The shoes make the 'fit.


Sometimes, I think about the child labor laws of The Powerpuff Girls. I hope they got fairly compensated for their labor.

Not with sugar and spice, but with money.


Are your angles all under 90 degrees because you're lookin' acute.

To be clear, I'm not looking for a love triangle.


If someone's dating profile says they're "into slam poetry," I should just delete the entire app, right? (Read: I'm looking for an excuse to delete the app.)

Run, don't walk.


Do you ever look at old photos of yourself and think, "I don't know who that is, but I hope they're happy..."?

The blue highlights were a choice.


The only part of "going out" that I miss? Meeting drunk girls in bathrooms. There is no one nicer than a drunk girl in a bathroom.

I miss her.


OK, big question: Is Harry Styles a precious soul that we must protect or an arrogant soft boy? How much do you think he talks about Infinite Jest?

Honestly, I don't want to know the truth. Just let me have this.


What shape of pasta annoys you for no reason?

Angel hair, more like devil fur.


Sometimes I just put on my gym clothes so my body *thinks* I worked out.

Getting into leggings takes some serious stretching.


Can you make nachos with just chips and cheese?

What do you call it when it’s just straight-from-the-bag cheese?


Self-care is leaving the old coffee out all night then putting it over ice in the morning.

Add a reusable straw and it’s basically a spa day.


Is having a fake plant deceitful or smart?

I think it’s kind of genius.


Do you think if I keep ignoring my work emails they’ll just go away?

Just back away, very slowly.


Did your middle school have a kid that wore shorts all winter? I wonder where he is now...

I hope living in a temperate climate.


Would you rather always be damp or always be sticky?

Is neither an option?


Sometimes I catch myself texting under the table and then I need to remember I’m an adult and I’m allowed to have my phone out.

I’m even allowed to have my ringer on.


People that always remember their reusable shopping bags are just showing off.

We get it, Becky, you’re soooooo organized.


Told the barista to enjoy their coffee. Will be thinking about this all day.

I can never go back there again.


Do you still get nightmares about school? I woke up nervous to present my geography project.

Hope I remember my notes on Mongolia.

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