Sex & Relationships

24 Funny Texts To Brighten Your Crush's Day

"My mom just asked me what 'snatched' means..."

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The year is 2020. You've swapped your freakum' dress for flannel PJs and suave pickup lines for funny texts to send your crush (from six feet away, of course). Although dating undoubtedly looks a little different this year, consider this time at home as practice in talking the talk before getting it on. Sure, you can't invite your crush to a party or out with your friends. But you can get to know them on a one-on-one level. What's that old saying? There's no time like a global pandemic to lure potential lovers with your intelligence and wit.

If you've been texting a Hinge cutie for a while or your Slacks with your coworker are becoming a little more than business casual, you may be looking for the perfect message to make them smile. And while you can never go wrong with a cute selfie or a pic of your roommate's dog, delivering the perfect funny text can be a slam dunk on your road to romance.

From asking about Harry Style's reading list to poking fun at your bedroom decorations, here are 24 silly texts to send your quarantine crush.

1

Making a raw vegan "cake" for my Goop-loving roommate. Chopping this dried fruit is the closest I've been to a date in months.

A fruit pun is berry cute.

2

The CVS by me has tiny plastic bottles of Topo Chico. I needed you to be in this moment with me.

Double points if it's the lime kind.

3

How long did it take you to figure out what Ariana Grande meant by "34+35"? Be honest.

Longer than I'd care to admit.

4

If you were a sandwich, what sandwich would you be, and why is moving on so painful? Answer both questions simultaneously.

Does "tuna" suffice?

5

How am I supposed to get anything done if I'm not at an empty desk, surrounded by people that I don't care about, funneling cheap coffee? How's your WFH going?

I'm not going to lie — some days, I listen to "office sounds" compilations.

6

I didn't get it at first, but I just bought a shower speaker and a new fruity body wash, and I'm starting to understand why so many grown adults love Carly Rae Jepsen.

All I have to say is: Dedicated Side B.

7

Do you ever think about which of your friends is most likely to end up on 'Catfish'?

Remember Room Raiders?

8

Some mornings I wake up, go downstairs to make myself some breakfast, and I think about how I don't miss my ex, but I really miss the fancy coffee grinder they had at their apartment.

The morning grind. Literally.

9

I often wonder if I really am an "old soul" or just like ugly home decorations.

You can never have too much floral.

10

I thought I saw my old Classics professor at Whole Foods today, but it was just another thin man with a small mustache and canvas tote bag.

Buying bean sprouts and a single Lara bar.

11

My mom just asked me what "snatched" means... Care to help me explain?

OK, where to begin?

12

Good morning to everyone except my old roommate, who took the bathroom trashcan with him when he moved out last week. I just used a Q-tip and then had to walk it over to my kitchen.

Why? Just, why?

13

How many Dolly Parton candles are too many? Asking for a friend.

Anywhere from nine to five is probably OK.

14

Do you ever make a meal so good that you're a little sad to finish it because then it will be gone? I can't cook and just burned a Hot Pocket in the microwave, but I imagine what it would be like to be able to cook well.

Burning a Hot Pocket is easier than it sounds.

15

I can't talk right now. I'm deciding if I want to buy my baby niece a pair of tiny Air Force 1s.

The shoes make the 'fit.

16

I was nervous to text first, but Mary Oliver did not ask what I plan to do with my one wild and precious life for me to overanalyze the rules of texting.

The Summer Day? More like The Summer Text.

17

I am daydreaming about standing on a packed subway, being smooshed in every direction, with a blister forming because I'm wearing impractical shoes, going to an event I didn't really want to attend at a bar I don't like. Sorry for the sext.

Remember places?

18

Sometimes, I think about the child labor laws of The Powerpuff Girls. I hope they got fairly compensated for their labor.

Not with sugar and spice, but with money.

19

I texted you first today. What else did you manifest for yourself today?

My main feed is your vision board.

20

Are your angles all under 90 degrees because you're lookin' acute.

To be clear, I'm not looking for a love triangle.

21

If someone's dating profile says they're "into slam poetry," I should just delete the entire app, right? (Read: I'm looking for an excuse to delete the app.)

Run, don't walk.

22

Do you ever look at old photos of yourself and think, "I don't know who that is, but I hope they're happy..."?

The blue highlights were a choice.

23

The only part of "going out" that I miss? Meeting drunk girls in bathrooms. There is no one nicer than a drunk girl in a bathroom.

I miss her.

24

OK, big question: Is Harry Styles a precious soul that we must protect or an arrogant soft boy? How much do you think he talks about 'Infinite Jest'?

Honestly, I don't want to know the truth. Just let me have this.