The 8 Kinds Of Open Guys You Find On Dating Apps

It’s an increasingly familiar tale: You hop onto the apps in hopes of finding… if not the one, then someone who shares the same goal of romantic connection with another person. It’s a numbers game, of course, and on this score, you can’t beat the apps for their sheer volume of singles. But where we were once whittling those numbers down from “many” to “the two of us,” in recent years we’ve noticed an uptick in geometric combinations.

The polyamorous (et al) aren’t just on Feeld but Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. And while we have nothing but respect for their search for love and connection (people are people!), the reality for a monogamy-seeking actually-single single can be dizzying and exhausting, thanks to the time that can be required to ascertain someone’s true relational setup and setting.

In an act of service journalism, we offer you a handy taxonomy of the spectrum of open swipers in hopes of helping you spot the swingers and cut to the chase — or, at least, feel less insane.

The “Just Trying It Out” Guy

This man and his live-in girlfriend have been together since college and are on the fence about getting engaged before they’ve experienced “what’s out there.” This being his first rodeo on a dating app, he uses far too many emojis in filling out his profile (the appropriate number, by the way, is zero), and many of his pictures are awkwardly cropped so as not to include the woman he — spoiler — will end up marrying.

Just Trying It Out Guy fantasizes about the single road not taken by spending untold hours sending dirty pictures and texts with as many women as he matches with. But will he ever actually meet up with any of them? Unlikely! The comfort of Mrs. Just Trying It Out Guy is just too hard to beat.

The No-Time-Management-Skills Guy

This guy’s photos depict him doing very cool activities that, turns out, he will never get around to including you in. Three girlfriends sounds good, in theory, until you realize that they don’t come with extra weekends, you can’t eat three dinners most evenings, and AI has yet to invent a way for you to be in three places at once. N.T.M.S. Guy has every intention of treating women well — he’s a feminist, obviously — and that’s why he doesn’t want to stop seeing any of the great ladies he meets! But then, he sleeps through his alarm, the falling dominos affecting the entire harem.

The Maxing-Out-The-Word-Count-To-Sound-Single Guy

This guy has a bangin’ record collection, appreciates a sunset, and can’t wait to introduce his pet. Or at least, that’s one way to interpret the fact that his first three photos do not contain his face. However, his Instagram handle is listed, and it seems legit.

On his profile, let’s-call-him-Max includes a lengthy explanation of what he’s looking for, which is: nothing serious, probably short term, unless there’s a deep connection, then that can grow organically. He’s technically seeing a few people but wouldn’t consider any of them his girlfriend per se because the label doesn’t feel right and they don’t have any commitments to one another or put any limits on what the other can do. He just wants to meet cool people and see where the vibe takes them, be it friendship or something more, you know? He’s open to changing his mind for the right person, but doesn’t want to rush into anything.

Did you get all that? Translation: He’s single — that’s literally what being single is.

The “Recently Read Adult Braces” Guy

If you haven’t been online for the past month, you might have missed the frenzied conversation about Lindy West’s memoir, which covers her decision to open up her marriage at the behest of her husband; the backlash from readers and reviewers who decided that West’s husband had manipulated her into that arrangement was swift, extensive, and vicious. Mark our words: Men will study Adult Braces and wield it as a playbook for talking their wives into threesomes and throuples. The effect may not yet be pervasive, but it is coming. Stay sharp.

The “My Wife Is Way Too Good For Me” Guy

Credit where credit is due: This guy is up-front about being married to a beautiful, successful woman who either allows him to see other people or welcomes third parties into their bedroom. Either way, she’s cool. And smart. And funny. To the point where you’re like A) Why do you need more than her, my dude? B) Does she want to leave him at home and join my book club? Sadly, these two are a package deal with two kids who are generally very confident and specifically good at piano. Feeling inadequate, you eventually stop seeing him/them, but desiring your own super-partner, ask how they met. (College. This is “Just Trying It Out” guy 20 years hence.)

The “My Wife Is Famous Or Something” Guy

This man won’t mention being married while you’re initially chatting, but he will bring it up once you’re planning your first real date, and he’ll mention it again on the date. He’ll say that she doesn’t ask what he does when she’s out of town and change the subject whenever you press for details. It might be because he’s lying and she’s not OK with it and he’s cheating. But every so often it’s because she’s a Juilliard-trained actor’s actor, or a musician whose name you don’t know but whose band you’ve heard of. Or she’s the CEO of one of those companies that doesn’t even have a website but recently got a billion-dollar valuation. She’s free-spirited and/or powerful enough that she definitely has sex with whoever she wants when she’s traveling, which is often and requires him to have various “friends” around for when she’s not available.

What does she do, specifically? How much money do they have, exactly? Press for details and you’ll get ghosted, but stick around and you’ll potentially get to hang out in a SoHo loft you swear you’ve seen in Arch Digest.

The Legit ENM Guy

He says he is ethnically nonmonogamous, and in reality, he is… ethically nonmonogamous. May or may not have a primary partner. Gets tested for STIs regularly. Great communicator. Respects boundaries. Happy to answer questions. Plans dates including where and when, and confirms day-of. Good taste in movies. Rescued his dog. Many tattoos. Filled out his dating profile with simple, straightforward answers that were neither cutesy nor snarky, and his pictures are mostly him enjoying nature. (That leaf emoji means he smokes weed, BTW.)

The Enigma

Funny, non-annoying answers on his profile, really cute pictures, and he’s tall? It’s crazy that this guy’s single. In fact, it’s almost too good to be true — oh, shoot. This man will change plans at the second-to-last minute and definitely wants to go to your neighborhood, not his. Are these red flags or have we gaslit ourselves into thinking that perfectly normal behavior means he’s two weeks from revealing he’s actually more “in an open thing” than “fully available,” and couldn’t he have just put that on his profile? Or did he, but it was in some kind of code and we missed it? All right, back to the drawing board again…