Photo alert: Scott Disick posted a picture of his live-in girlfriend, and the mother of his children, on Instagram. No need to alert the media, it's already been blown completely out of proportion. Naturally, this photo, in which Kourtney Kardashian is pictured without makeup (well, without much makeup) and a towel or napkin draped over her head is something we must talk about. Right now. It's that important.
After all, he posted it just hours after the Kardashian Christmas card (I refused to play their K-happy incorrect spelling game) debuted to the public. Something is clearly rotten in the land of Lord Disick. But since he's given us only one cryptic line by which to judge this photo — "This bitch is straight tripping" — it's imperative that we now do our best to dissect the rest of the meaning using only the visual clues that Disick has artfully included in the image.
And no, Voice of Reason, there is absolutely no way this photo is simply a bored boyfriend taking a picture of his girlfriend doing something mildly silly in hopes that the 178,000 likes it accrues on a social media platform can cure the crushing ennui he's been unable to shake since he became a non-legal member of the Kardashian family. Couldn't be. That's not news at all.
And now, five "possible" reasons this no-makeup Instagram is important:
- The napkin on Kourtney's head is actually hiding the giant gash she's just sustained from an unexpected fall (see: straight tripping, literal definition). On social media, it's "look at my silly girlfriend" and in real life it's "Oh dear God, stop the bleeding." Scott's about to take her to the hospital, but because there isn't room for this side plot in Kris Jenner's manual for world domination, he's using a daily inane Instagram should keep Jenner off their backs for a few hours.
- The sweat on Kourtney's neck indicates that she may be feeling a bit ill. It is flu season after all. However, she is also "tripping," so perhaps this is Disick's sneaky way of calling out for help. You see, sickie over here has a conspicuously label-less bottle of juice. We can only assume (i.e. speculate wildly and needlessly) that it's an OJ and Dayquil cocktail, which would be an upper the likes of Red Bull couldn't even dream of. Straight tripping.
- Trouble in Paradise! Is the headline everyone is so missing out on right now. Clearly, Kourtney was trying to hide her face from Scott and he took a picture anyway — note the tiny frown lines present around her nose and mouth. The "bitch" in the caption signifies the tension that they must keep under wraps until someone writes it into a Keeping Up with The Kardashians script around mid-season when everyone else's stories start to stall.
- Kourtney, faced with the knowledge that everything she and her sisters do becomes a headline, attempts a new disguise. She refuses her usual multitudes of cosmetics, she wears her hair in modest french braids, and constantly wears something draped over her head. Because she rarely gives Disick all the relevant information, he happens upon and because he's unaware of her plan, takes it upon himself to have a little fun with social media. Right now, he's probably being punished as the top secret Kardashian tribunal sees fit. My guess is he's locked in a Clockwork Orange-inspired room where the fake Bruce and Kris Jenner sex tape he made with Kourtney is playing on a loop.
- Disick thinks his girlfriend is cute. This "news" will probably get more social media lift than a funny dog photo.
Image: Scott Disick/Instagram