Justin Bieber Versus Kanye West: A Video Battle

Holy Illuminati, Batman — I daresay that we have discovered a thing. And what is that thing, you ask? Why it is that Justin Bieber is totally trying to emulate and therefore eclipse Kanye West in his latest video, "All That Matters." And it's going to result in an epic, burn-it-to-the-ground, no-holds-barred, all-or-nothing battle for ultimate prattling manchild domination.

Sure, there are plenty of reasons to assume that such a battle would be want to take place: one is a Canadian crooner, the other a Chicagoan rapper/producer. But coincidences are a hilariously entertaining set of circumstances, aren't they? Especially when they pit the two biggest megalomaniacal brats in music against one another — it's hard not to get excited about the hypothetical hysterics that would ensue were a real-life beef to brew.

Which is why we took the liberty to compare the artists' two most recent musical undertakings and jump to the conclusion that one is totally biting on the other. Just one look at "All That Matters" — a cheesy ode to R&B sexy times, parroting a level of understanding, respect, and compassion for relationships and the ladies that the Biebs has so far proven he does not have, but neither does his source material Mr. West, so I suppose that's par for the course here, isn't it? — and it's easy to see how hard both men are trying to be cool. Only Bieber's "cool" is clearly, totally, obviously STOLEN.

Both men have shown confidence and assuredness (not to mention cockiness) that far exceeds the means they have to claim such self-appointed mantles as "the greatest" this/that/the other thing. So no doubt they can handle a bit of friendly comparison, right? Because some of the imagery from West's "Bound 2" feels super-similar to "All That Matters." And something tells us Kanye probably won't like that, since he is one of the world's greatest minds to ever have existed — just like his self-appointed contemporaries: Gandhi, Jesus Christ, and Malcolm X. Having their own originality ripped off by others is definitely not something any of those aforementioned men would have stood for.

But still: the comparisons and coincidences are many. So obviously these two need to start an epic beef to settle the score. I mean look!

First, there's the intricate (and intimate) positioning of these video ladies:

And, of course there are the motorcycles:

And all those over-the-shoulder neck kisses (so sultry, you guys. So sultry):

Look at that: three whole coincidences! And every good Internet blog reader knows that three things equal a trend, and the trend in this video is clear: Justin Bieber is trying to steal Kanye West's entire identity and lifestyle and persona and claim it as his own.

Further proof that Biebs is hockin' Kanye's style? LEATHER JOGGING PANTS:

Considering how vocally anguished West has been over his revolutionary clothing idea's initial shunning? Cuts like a knife, Biebs. And that knife is ice cold.

And that's not even taking into consideration for both men's penchant for heralding themselves as super-humans like kings and gods. Justin even infers such a concept in this very song ("What's a king, babe, without a queen?"). Only one answer remains to the never-once-raised question of "who wins?" in the Kanye Versus Bieber Epic Ego Battle For Greatness: everyone. We all do. Christmas has come early, ladies and gentlemen. Now rage, rage against the dying of the light, you two.

Images: KanyeWestVEVO/YouTube; JustinBieberVEVO/YouTube