Lauren Conrad's Perfectly Mundane Holiday Gift Guide Comes to Life! Sort Of.

If you're having a bad hair day/bad winged eyeliner day/bad accessories day, don't look at Lauren Conrad's Instagram feed. It'll only make you feel like poo. Every adorable thing the recently-engaged former reality star-turned-fashion designer/author/craft person posts is cast in a lovely golden/blush hue. She always looks amazing. Her manicures are amazing. Her dogs are amazing. Her life looks amazing. And yes, her winged eyeliner is—you guessed it—amazing. How DOES one achieve an LC level of amazingness? I don't have all of the answers, but I WILL offer up the Lauren Conrad 2013 Holiday Gift Guide. It's a start, right?

If I give someone any of these very nice gifts, the person might say, "Wow. You really stepped up your game this year. I didn't realize you had such Lauren Conrad-y taste!" Or they might just politely thank me and put the flowers in some water. OR they might see right through me and ask, "Kristie, did you find this on a gift guide? Because you'd never pick out something like this." Ouch. Regardless, it's worth a shot.

The list is fairly accessible. Everything is relatively normal. There wasn't like, a diamond-encrusted watch that was dipped in melted-down rubies (can rubies be melted?) or a blanket that was woven by fire ants. Not that either of those would necessarily fit in with LC's "brand," but you feel me. Sometimes, celebs get weird with their lists. Not this list! There's a pitcher, a stationary set, a drink shaker, a scarf, and a bouquet of flowers.

Like I said, not weird. But you know what would make it weird? If the inanimate items on the list could talk. Yes, I watched a lot of Pee-Wee's Playhouse as a child. I am who I am, and I think their dialogue would go a little something like this:

What Does the Lauren Conrad's 2013 Holiday Gift Guide Talk About When No One Is Looking?

THE CAST OF CHARACTERS: Alpaca Knit Scarf (AKS), Rifle Paper Co. Stationary (RPCS), Golden Cocktail Shaker (GCS), Flower Bouquet (FB), Bureau Pitcher Set (BPS)

All of the objects are brought in for the Lauren Conrad's 2013 Holiday Gift Guide meeting. Conrad and the other humans discuss tag lines for each object. The objects don't move. After the meeting, all of the objects sit in silence on top of the conference table. Once they realize the humans are gone, they began to stir. AKS adjusts its fringe. BPS tries to break up the silence with an awkward cough. Finally, FB decides to say something.

FB: Neat list, huh?

RPCS: Yeah. I'm thrilled I was included. You know, because handwritten letters are so few and far between these days.

GCS: Ugh, your humility is abhorrent.

RPCS: I beg your pardon?

GCS: I see through that act. I know other stationaries. All of them are smug and pretentious.

RPCS:

BPS: Hey, Shaker. Take it easy.

GCS: Stay out of this, Pitcher! I can't believe Lauren picked two drink pouring devices. She must've felt sorry for you.

BPS: I'm a pitcher AND a glass. Don't you forget it.

GCS: (Sarcastically) How COOL!

BPS: Did something happen before the photo shoot? This aggressive side of yours is kind of intolerable.

FB: So, how about the weather…?

GCS: You want me to shut up? Fine. I'll shut up. But whatever you do, Pitcher, don't trust Bouquet.

FB: Is this about the comment I made on the way in here?

BPS: What did you say to Shaker?

GCS: (Grumbles incoherently)

FB: I joked that I don't need to be featured in a gift guide because flowers never go out of style.

RPCS: Must be nice.

FB: Like I said, I was KIDDING. And you're not dead yet, Stationary. The card stores at the mall by my house still do great business.

RPCS: (Sarcastically) Oh, wow! Way to prove me wrong!

AKS: Everyone needs to chill out.

GCS: Easy for you to say. You're The BFF Gift. That's the unspoken "Favorite Thing" stamp. I don't get it. You're a SCARF.

AKS: You're such an ass. I hope you fall off of the table and shatter.

BPS: HEY! Crossing the line.

GCS: WOW. And I thought I was intense!

AKS: Suck an egg!

FB: Could you all take it down a notch? The yelling is making my petals wilt.

RPCS: Why are we even fighting with one another? We need to be a unit. We need to support each other.

GCS: …Why?

RPCS: Because we all represent the LC 2013 Holiday Gift Guide. And we can't embarrass LC.

BPS: You're right.

AKS: Yeah, I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry.

GCS: I have to admit something…

FB: Yeah?

GCS: I found out my lid isn't solid gold, and I've been touchy ever since.

BPS: Hey. We're here for you.

AKS: Pitcher is right. We may not always get along, but we're a family.

RPCS: A family assembled by Lauren Conrad, but a family no less.

FB: Can someone get me some water? I'm feeling a little dry.

BPS & GCS: Sure!

RPCS: Aw, look. We do care about one another.

THE END