As it turns out, it's actually extremely easy to run for public office, which might explain why there are so many amazingly bizarre fake candidates running for president this year. You know, since there just weren't enough viable candidates to pick from anyways. But never fear, because the candidate we've been waiting for has finally arrived. I have absolutely no doubt that Sydney's Voluptuous Buttocks will lead us through the dark and make America great again (sorry, Trump!).
Hysterical as the name may be, Buttocks is in fact a registered candidate in the 2016 elections, and one that you can actually vote for (though please, please don't). Apparently all it takes to become a presidential candidate is to fill out some simple paperwork with the Federal Election Commission and ship it in. To date, there are over 500 individuals who have successfully filed to run for president.
Of course, getting elected takes a lot more than just paperwork. You obviously need to have a strong platform, appeal to voters, and get your name out. Not to mention raise a ton of money, comply with FEC guidelines, and get your name on the ballots in all 50 states (which is kind of difficult, and often involves petitions, unless you're in a state that has a caucus instead of a primary).
Although many candidates are really throwing themselves into the race (such candidate Crawfish Crawfish, whose Fourth of July video is embedded above), it's unlikely that all of the candidates who filed will go through the tedious process of getting on the ballots in each state. Which makes it doubtful that any votes for them will actually go anywhere. But you've got to give these guys credit for trying.
Party affiliation: "Demo-Cat"
Limberbutt McCubbins, a 5-year-old cat from Kentucky, is my personal favorite among the candidates. McCubbins was registered earlier this year when his owner's friend, a 17-year-old high school student, decided to give the people a candidate they can really get behind. McCubbins, while technically a Democrat, prefers the title "Demo-Cat" and is running on a "cat-form" that includes Affordable Cat Care and the legalization of catnip. However, the campaign (whose slogan is "Meow Is The Time") has hit a snag among rumors regarding McCubbins' citizenship. "I declined to let them prove it, for I am a cat, and cats have no nationality," McCubbins reportedly told WKYT. If you're curious about learning more about the feline's campaign, his official Facebook updates pretty regularly, and actually makes some good points. He also has a store.
Party affiliation: Republican
Although Ole' Savior has run for public office five times since 2006, Savior is a bit of a mysterious candidate. All we know for sure is that he hails from Minnesota and that he has very pretty handwriting. Not to mention that some of his FEC submissions are downright adorable, decorated with little American flags and stars. He does have an old website from his 2014 senatorial run (unfortunately unsuccessful) that indicates he is extremely alarmed at trends such as "gay rights" and "affordable prescription drugs for everyone." According to a Twitter that has just two tweets, he is a Vikings fan.
Party affiliation: Independent
Unlike some of these other guys, Deez Nuts is a serious candidate. No, actually. According to Complex, this is the legal name of an Iowa man who filed this past weekend. It's unclear what Nuts' platform is, or if Snoop Dog will formally endorse him. According to Nuts' Facebook page, however, he is actively working to be put on the ballots in several states, so there's a good chance you can vote for Nuts for president.
HRM Caesar St. Augustine De Buonaparte
Party affiliation: Absolute Dictator Party
I'm not sure what kind of candidate I expected HRM Caesar St. Augustine De Buonaparte to be, but I didn't predict he would be so... interesting. Buonaparte is a perennial candidate and has filed to run in every election since 1996. Overtime, Buonaparte has run as a member of the Absolute Dictator Party, the New Revolutionary Party, The Unrecognized Party, and the Voters Internet Party. In recent years, Buonaparte has begun decorating his FEC filings with fun facts about the Roman Colosseum and what appears to be anti-war cartoons. According to his Facebook, he is also the Emperor of the United States of Turtle Island and supported the recent Supreme Court marriage equality decision.
Sydney's Voluptuous Buttocks
Party affiliation: Independent
I have to admit, Buttocks really has her (his?) campaign together. This is her second run, so I suppose she's learned a bit through the years. She has campaign expense reports readily available to the public, and clearly is smart with her money. She started with $5,000 at the start of her campaign — and still has it. She also has a very well laid-out website, where Buttocks talks about the real issues facing Americans. Buttocks seems to be pro-bears, anti-war (as outlined in a weirdly graphic video on the campaign website), and has probably the best tag line of the entire election cycle: “Please vote for Sydney’s Butt to be the president. After all, every politician is an asshole so what’s the difference?”
President Princess Khadajah M. Jacob-Fambro
Party affiliation: The Revolutionary Party
Considering that President Princess Khadajah M. Jacob-Fambro's first name is "President," I can't really think of anyone more qualified for the presidency. The candidate also appears to be the only one running from "The Revolutionary Party." I'm unsure if that's a reference to the American Revolution or the Revolutionary Communist Party. I guess her political affiliations have changed because in 2012, she ran for the Democratic nomination. Confusion aside, Jacob-Fambro, without a doubt has the best election committee, titled, "From One Alien To Another Alien ... 'Lil Wayne' Dwayne Michael Cart Jr. 'President Carter'; WILL YOU MARRY ME? I AM GOD!!!! :)" So, that will definitely look catchy on yard signs. Also, I sincerely wish her luck in her romantic endeavors.
Party affiliation: Other
Mr. Crawfish B. Crawfish, who hails from the great state of Louisiana, is a recent entry into the 2016 race. Crawfish only filed at the beginning of July, but his Facebook page already has 26,000 likes, and it's updated regularly. Unbelievably, Crawfish is running the most organized campaign of any of these colorful candidates. In an exclusive interview with Best of New Orleans, Crawfish was asked why he was running for president. "Well, I know what it's like to not have a voice," Crawfish said. "Literally, because I don't have vocal chords, but also symbolically." It appears that Mr. Crawfish is a protest candidate, who is running to directly oppose the campaign of Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal. Crawfish actually has a lot of supporters, and according to his Facebook page, raised $200 at a campaign event last weekend. All proceeds were donated to the victims of the Lafayette shooting. What a candidate.